Hello everyone! What a crowd. On behalf of the Planning Committee let me say this year’s fireworks show is our biggest and best one yet. Please sign the waiver before laying out your blanket.
A special thanks to Trudy for her help with the permits, and to Bernice for ensuring the fireworks display incorporates all colors visible to the human eye. There’s even an ultraviolet starburst for our butterfly friends.
I wanted to call out our wonderful teachers, too, who took a voluntary pay cut to fund the purchase of the Mind Melter 5000. The saleswoman told the Planning Committee it most closely resembles the stargate sequence from the end of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001. I’m not much of a movie buff, but it sounds exciting! Let’s give a hand to our teachers.
A few housekeeping items. There will be a brief intermission following the first act. A yellow strobe rocket will indicate when two minutes are left of the intermission so that you can retake your seats. Critics, please note the yellow strobe rocket is not part of the show.
The second act kicks off with a special fireworks display-within-a-display by Jemma, our artist-in-residence. You will be compelled to applaud after her multistage “rainbow-splosion,” as Jemma calls it, but we ask you to honor the artist’s wishes and respond with respectful silence. For those interested, a monograph of Jemma’s work is available at the funnel cake stand.
The third act features the return of our popular “Dear God” sequence. To newcomers, I say: Welcome! You may see the faces of departed relatives in the sky, floating in front of the fireworks and somehow, at the same time, inside the fireworks. Do not be alarmed! This is the intended reaction. A handful of you will also receive a telekinetic message from the spectral visitors. Be sure to share it on the community board near the gazebo — especially if it’s lottery numbers, haha! I have index cards and push pins.
As for the big finale, there will be a pre-climax segment of ring blasts in rhythmic succession, as a kind of palate cleanser. This is intentional, and not, as Mikey Brown so rudely yelled last year, “boring.”
The climax of tonight’s firework display will be louder than anything you have ever heard. Dogs and small children are advised to leave at the eighty-minute mark; adults should empty their bladders at the second intermission.
Midway through the climax there will be a brief pause, nicknamed Satan’s Fermata by explosives pioneer Hans-Joachim Torsson. Anyone caught whispering “Is it over?” during this pause will be fitted with a blindfold and ejected. This might sound harsh, but it’s necessary. The last segment of the show is akin to being shot into the sun while hearing the first cries of your newborn child.
In response to the comment cards from last year, we’ve doubled the number of therapists for post-show counseling. You’ll find them stationed next to the corn dogs. I know some of you are concerned about the dry patches of forest and the unseasonal wind we’ve been having. Fear not. With help from the fire department and our wonderful Girl Scouts, all vulnerable woodlands in the surrounding area have been razed.
And that’s it! You folks are in for a real treat. Last week the Planning Committee got to experience a VR prototype of tonight’s show, and I was blown away. Trudy said it made her question all reality! Oh, and congrats to Bernice, who’s leaving us for the Namdroling Monastery in southern India. We’ll miss you.
Okay, enough from me. On with the show!