As America’s seventh-ranked patriotic bunting company, we’re proud to fulfill all of your Fourth of July decorating needs this year. Also, due to a factory mix-up, our bunting this year is made of live snakes.
The American people rely on us for red, white, and blue fabric to hang on their porches. However, it has recently come to our attention that many customers have instead received a writhing mass of serpents. Are they at least harmless? No, they’re quite deadly. But we hope you will be reassured to know that the snakes can play “Yankee Doodle” on their rattles, which is a step up from our plastic bunting option.
How could this mistake happen? Our bunting factory operates under lax, or one might say non-existent, quality control standards. It turns out we also built our factory on top of a known snake nesting habitat. Our entire factory is infested with snakes.
In order to determine whether you’ve received bunting or snakes, we have put together the following helpful guidance:
If you open your box and feel a sharp puncture and begin to feel faint, it could be a sign that a snake has injected you with neurotoxic venom. However, this might also be due to the glass shards and untested chemicals we use in our extremely shady manufacturing.
When you decorate a truck bed with our bunting for the Fourth of July parade, and then the bunting slithers into the crowd and asphyxiates someone, that could indicate something reptilian is going on. But we’ve had that happen with our regular product too.
Does your bunting have a cloaca, a single hole for urine, feces, and egg-laying? If so, it’s definitely a snake. Also, gross.
To be safe, we recommend you teach children the helpful rhyme, “Red and yellow, kill a fellow. Red, white, and blue, that’ll kill you too.”
Do not hang the snake on your porch, no matter how patriotic its scales look. This is exactly what the snake wants you to do.
We recommend you stand perfectly still because vipers can only see prey if it’s moving. Or maybe that’s velociraptors. We watch a lot of Jurassic Park at the office instead of working, which might explain how we accidentally shipped you a box of snakes. Either way, it’s worth a try.
An alternate option is to run away while screaming, Oh God!!! The fangs!!!
We advise you not to set off fireworks around your bunting — either it’s highly flammable, or it’s a snake that can use the vibrations to track you down and then lunge straight at your jugular.
Avoid wearing a powdered wig. This will trigger the snake to unhinge its jaws and swallow you whole. We have surmised, from numerous workers’ comp claims, that this is highly unpleasant.
@ us on Twitter with funny snake gifs! We’re trying to do one of those self-deprecating social media campaigns to boost engagement. We want to be the Arby’s of bunting brands. No, this won’t solve your snake problem.
Call our customer service hotline. However, we’re currently experiencing a higher than normal call volume due to accidentally shipping people snakes.
If you did receive a snake, we are happy to offer you special credit toward a future Fourth of July purchase, with proof of shedded snakeskin. We hope you’ll continue to trust us with all of your bunting purchases, even though we’ve done nothing to earn that trust, and instead have just shown a wanton disregard for human life.
As Americans, we know you expect nothing more.