We here at your local coffee shop our proud supporters of the arts, which is why we have decided to open up the room and allow this random jazz band to come in and make more noise than you’ve ever heard in your life.

Whether you are here trying to work on your novel, or are on an awkward first date, or if you just wanted to escape the chattering noise of your apartment that you share with five strangers from the internet, get ready to have your night ruined in the name of JAZZ. We are committed to creating an excellent experience for all of our patrons, except when some band on the street walks in and offers us $50 to move our tables and plug into our sound system for an hour. So get ready to hear the most experimental instrumentations you’ve heard in your goddamn life.

Listen, I know what you’re thinking. “I wish someone had told me about this so I could’ve gone to another coffee shop.” Well, if you look at our event board all the way in the back of the shop, you’ll see that we actually have live music every second and third Tuesday of the month, so really it’s your fault for not paying attention to the bulletins.

You still have time to leave; it’s gonna take at least 15 minutes for the horn player to tune his trombone. But we know you don’t want to do that. It’s not like you’re going to go to another coffee shop and buy a second drink. Plus, you’ve already got all of your charging cables plugged in, so you might as well just sit back and listen to the smooth stylings of these dudes from Jersey.

This band is legit. They’ve played all over the city, from the L-train platform at Union Square, to the F-train platform at West 4th St. They could be the next big thing, and you could be able to say that you saw them perform when they were nothing. I’m sure that when that happens you’ll have egg on your face cause you choose to ignore them and instead and focus on your failed screenplay. Face it, you’re not the next Greta Gerwig; you just watched Lady Bird and dyed your hair pink. So maybe try closing the laptop and live in the moment for once in your life.

This is the beauty of city living. You get exposed to authentic artistic experiences, like a group of white guys plucking away on no less than three upright basses. It’s not like you have anything better to do tonight. And besides, this is real music. Music isn’t the garbage they play on the radio; it is real people blasting bebop at your face while you sip on a $6 cappuccino. Why are you even here if you don’t want to experience everything this city has to offer?

This band has come all the way here from Hoboken and they deserve to play for an attentive audience. You don’t know these guys like I do, they put in so much work, they practice non-stop. My ex-wife follows them to all of their shows, and for some reason she chose to skip this one, but it doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve to feel like they have fans. Musicians have feelings too! And you should be respectful of them and their passions.

Honestly, the fact that you will try and call yourself a patron of the arts, but won’t give your undivided attention to live music is disgusting. It seems pretty hypocritical of you to claim to support local artists, but you treat this jazz band as an inconvenience. Who do you think you are? If I hear one word of complaint out of your mouth, I will personally come and slam your laptop shut and force you to pay attention to the band that has decided to take time out of their day to grace the presence of this coffee shop. The level of disrespect for the art of music is disgusting. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Now get ready because the band has just informed me that they have not planned anything they are going to play and will be doing a full hour of improv. So put your hands together or get the fuck out.