Refill? Thanks. Honk. Beep. Goddammit I can’t find my other sock. Where. Vrooom. HONK. Hey you yeah YOU where’d you learn to drive asshole. Rumblerumble. I don’t know about this man this is addictive stuff. Oh come on live a little it’s just musical theatre. Whssshhh. Beep. Thumpthump. Oh baby oh Jesus thump yes yes OH baby thump ah ah ah ohhhhh YEAH. Mama just killed a man put a gun against his head pulled my trigger now he’s dead Mama life had just begun. Beep-beep. Ting. Sir may I see your license and registration. Hey officer how’s your day going I was just. CLANGalangalang. I love you. I love you too. I’d do anything for you you know. I know you would. I have to go. Don’t. I have to. Ka chunk ka CHUNK. Snap. Hello? Anyone there? Hello? Tick tock tick tock tick tock. Moooooo. Fly me to the moon let me. You’re ruining my life. No you’re ruining it yourself by being such so pig-headed about something so. Mraow. Squeak pitter pitter. Please put your clothes back on. What time is it? Dingding. Flussssshhh. Okay you can tell Jamal what happened to his car but don’t say anything about me dating his. Rrrrrzzzz. This time it’s going to be success on my terms. This time I’m not taking any crap from any. SMASH tinkle tinkle. Oh crap. Look at this mess. You lied to me! I was lying to myself, too. Dear God please let me marry Liam. Please please PLEASE. Liam. Liam. BONGGGG. No really we should throw a match in there and let it burn. What? I’m telling you renovating this place is not worth. Woo woo woo woo. I’m gonna fuckin kill you. Ha ha HA gotcha. Very funny asshole. Electric whore show me the buttcake so big man beat smash BOOM up and leave the party. YAH! Stop. Bark bark barkbarkbark BARK. I don’t wanna talk about my boobs. I like my boobs. Well I like them too but. Crackle. FM 109 today’s top hits all day long. I want something anything to change in this life and it won’t and there’s nothing I can do about it. Right? I mean what’s the point? Hissssss. Ouch. That hurt. Since the price of crude oil. Ching. Clack. CLANK. Christ died for your sins buster and don’t you forget it. Psssshhh. Clonk. Iraqi foreign policy clearly. Whisperwhisper talk to her. Also known as she who hears the cries of the world. DING. Whole wheat with cheddar hold the onions. Does your family know? Tingting. Actually I’m working on a novel. Zzzzweeee. Exploded? Yeah, he was like oooh and out it came. Blarrggh. Projectile man. Hee-hee. Bzzzt. SCREEECH. Jeez that was way too close. Where’s the S-man when you need him? K-chank k-chank. On a scale of one to ten how is your pain one being no pain and ten being. Beep-beep-beep. Ding. Hello baby girl I’m your mother. Look at her little toes. Look she’s looking at me. She’s listening to my voice. Hello. Hello you. Beep. Whzzzz. Clang. TAXI! Damn girl that is a drop dead gorgeous dress they’re gonna be on you like flies tonight. Like flies? Well no not flies but you know what I mean. Not flies but. Bang. Honk. Hey! Ratatatat. VROOM. I want light-up shoes all the kids have them. Which kids? Adele and Rihanna and Rosita and. Crackle. Sources say Luthor has threatened beep-beep honnnk vrooommm but the criminal mastermind remains in custody. Bzzzt. Bzzzt. Calling occupants of interplanetary craft. Jesus Mom turn that shit off. Shit? Honey I’ll have you know. RatataTAT. Hey I think I just saw. Whoosh. I’m skeptical about his motives you know this would not be the first time remember when he screwed the office out of. Twee twit twit twee. I wish I was Batman. Rrrrringgg. Barney is a dinosaur from our. Rumbleclankrumbleclankrumble. Back off man. Clank. Back off I mean it. Put the knife clank down kid. Just put it down and let’s talk. Rumble. Just. Okay. I’m sorry man. It’s okay. Good. Let’s talk. Rumblerumble. Two soft pretzels please. Just saying you shouldn’t work so hard. You should take a break once in a while is all. We got this. Hey you! Ratatatat. Yeah You! Where’d you learn how. Vrrrooommm. Is this the bus for. Honk honk. I’m gonna fuckin. Honkhonk. You. Whoosh. Some beep-beep help me. Ratatat. Please honnnk help. Beep-beep. Me. Honk. Somebody. Please. HELP ME.
May 26, 2015
Stuff Superman Overhears: A Three-Minute Excerpt
As little as $1 a month ($12 a year!) goes a long way towards supporting our editorial staff and contributors while keeping us ad-free. Become a McSweeney’s Internet Tendency patron today.