As you know, it’s been a difficult year for Sunshine Yogurt. Category sales are down double digits, again. New competitors have taken share. The FDA and anti-aspartame bloggers have their boots halfway up our waste canals about additives. But fear not! Sunshine’s R&D team has developed eleven new flavors that will drive our resurgence…

Collard Greens and Adzuki Bean

Loaded with bone-strengthening zinc, vitamin K and high in fiber, which offsets the blockages and stultification associated with yogurt. CGAB is cholesterol-neutral and full of vitamin A, which promotes healthy skin and hair.

Tomato, Anchovy and Garlic

Admittedly, TAG is an acquired taste, but here is the payoff: Omega-3’s, B-6, B-12, niacin, iron and essential minerals (manganese, molybdenum, phosphorous, and boron). Think vitamin ($5 billion market) substitute.

Beatrix Potter and Chamomile Tea

Think packaging. Cottages with pastel gardens. Mrs. Tittlemouse and Hunca Munca in pleated country dresses and starched white aprons preparing tea. Peter Rabbit, Squirrel Nutkin, and Samuel Whiskers in walking jackets. Think meltdowns in supermarket aisles until parents put the colorful containers in their carts. Beatrix Potter stands for quality parents can trust; chamomile for the calming influence. Plus, the societal benefit of doing something about rodent infestations. This is where quality comes in. Only blends of healthy rodents, gray squirrels, chipmunks, southern toads, and prairie dogs. No road kill! That’s our pledge. What? You’d never feed your kids rat, much less eat one yourself. Really? What about Frieda’s Hot Dogs? Popeye’s beef jerky? Seriously. Do you think Frieda and Popeye are using grass-fed lamb? Remember the beef kebobs in Marrakesh? Or the chicken enchiladas in Cancun? (You ate three.) Sure, it was chicken, right from the free range. Anyway, quality you can trust is a no-brainer. With the cost of clothes, braces, lessons, camps, tutors, and colleges, parents will be all over BP.

Organic Monkey Urine

OMU brings a distinctive and reverent offering to the hitherto impenetrable Asian markets. Monkeys have been venerated throughout Asia for centuries. The Chinese character “猴” (hoh/monkey) is pronounced as “侯” high official. Not only can OMU double the global yogurt category, but, under the OMU umbrella, Rhesus Monkey sub-brands will be introduced in North America and Europe. Clinical studies support claims that RMU promotes bonding and affection, particularly with surrogate mothers ($500 million market). Both OMU and RMU are readily available and sustainably harvested through native-habit domiciles. Urines will be drawn from: Golden Lion Tamarins, Japanese Macaques, Baboons, as well as Squirrel, Mandrill, Spider, and Howler monkeys.

Offal, genus variis

Twice the protein of a 32-oz. steak and eighteen times that of competing yogurts. The Big O is also rich in nutrients, improves metabolism and promotes collagen production. It is our signature ‘Green’ product — use of whole animal, locavore cuisine, and “nose to tail” cooking.

Yookurist™ / Koshurt™

You know where these two are going. That’s right, yogurt consumption drops precipitously on weekends. Yookurist™ and Koshurt™ (certified kosher) are spiritual and pan-denominational. Everyone welcome under the big-tent. Not religion replacement, but spiritual boosters, substitutes for today’s on-the-go believers. Exactly what you needed at your niece’s wedding in the Oregon hay field, when dark forces swirled and you had to right the ship. Extra-strained yogurt with white bread. Zero nutritional value emphasizes the common meal spirituality.

Maker’s Mark – Limited Edition

Each cup includes one shot of MM, distilled to 160 proof. To meet price points, barrel aging has been reduced to 48 hours. Not a sipping bourbon but the mash works with yogurt’s active cultures. The result is a smoky, smooth taste with little tartness and hints of vanilla and caramel.

Blueberry Haze (Flying Dutchman)

Our top selling blueberry-flavored yogurt mixed with a sativa dominant hybrid that carries a potent 28% THC and delivers a long-lasting euphoric high relieving maladies never addressed by yogurts, including: anxiety, depression, stress, asthma, migraines, insomnia, and tics.

Wonder Woman
(Tag line: “It’s not just for women”)

An Indica-dominant hybrid with sweet, earthy sandalwood aromas. Consumers feel energized without sacrificing creativity or crispness. 16% THC lets them stretch out while ‘being there’ in the moment, at work or in social gatherings. Side effects (cotton mouth, munchies) are minimal so they’ll never know.

Mr. Natural

We’ve all been there — a complete lack of body load and physical pain, a tiny candle flickering against a billion stars, yet we flicker on because we follow the only path that is worth following, the path of the heart. But 18 days later we wake in an east Memphis motel room naked, bruised, and broke. It doesn’t have to be that way. One 4-oz. serving of Mr. Natural brings us to a safe place of cosmic revelation and spiritual awakening. Active cultures reduce the likelihood of rapid mood swings, anxiety, paranoia, or urges to harm fellow humans. No guarantees, of course. The path you take is up to you.

Mr. Natural and Yookurist™ / Koshgurt™

You are a warrior of the spirit and infinite truth beckons like a never-ending Oregon hay field. Your niece, the only woman you have ever loved, takes your hand as you lead her through the gate that you opened. Marauding cows trample the groom and his didgeridoo and fife ensemble. You and your niece hurry, you have so little time left together. Your sister and estranged brother-in-law will understand, or not — the only true path is the path of the heart.