I understand that they feel like that is their body. I feel like it is a separate — what I call them is, is you’re a ‘host.’ And you know when you enter into a relationship you’re going to be that host and so, you know, if you pre-know that then take all precautions and don’t get pregnant." — Oklahoma Republican Representative Justin Humphrey (February 13, 2017)

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Hi and welcome! My name is Rachel and I’ll be your host for the next nine months.

I hope you’ll enjoy the space. I know it’s a little snug, but I think you’ll find it has everything you need.

About me: I’m originally from the Midwest but I moved out here for school and couldn’t love it more. I’m a real outdoors girl at heart. Nothing makes me happier than surfing at one of our beautiful beaches or hiking in the mountains.

Of course, I won’t be doing any of those things while you’re here.

You’re the first guest I’ve had, so I’m a little nervous. The truth is, I didn’t think I’d start hosting so soon. I sort of wanted to wait until I finished college and started my career and had a real job — and some money LOL!!! — but my husband is really into it, so what the heck. LET’S DO THIS!!!

Secret: We just got married when we found out you were showing up!!! My boyfriend — oh wait he’s my husband I keep forgetting haha! — has promised me a real wedding later. We’ll see how that goes!

I feel a little bad that I didn’t have more time to prepare for your arrival and I’ve been working overtime to get everything in tip-top shape. Normally on the weekends I like to party, but while you’re here I’m going to make sure to keep the space clear of drugs and alcohol. I think you’ll like what I’ve done. I always say that one of the nice things about having a guest is that it forces you to clean up.

While I was tidying, I decided just to throw out my meds. It’s really not that big a deal — my husband says that a lot of what we call “anxiety” is just in your head and a product of living in this crazy, 24/7 “always on” world. I’ve already downloaded a bunch of relaxation apps and I think we’re going to see some big changes!

I’m sure it goes without saying that there’s no smoking.

Speaking of which, you might have heard that the air quality around here isn’t the greatest. Smog and all that. It’s not a huge deal but maybe we’ll just stay in on those days, what do you think?

You already know that I’ll be providing all your meals and I want to assure you that everything will be organic. Normally I just eat whatever, but it’s different when you have a guest. It’s pretty expensive, but that’s what credit cards are for! Seriously, you deserve it. Did I mention that there’s a weekly farmers’ market just down the street? Yet another thing about this area that I really love.

Do you like classical music? I don’t, but it sounds like most hosts play it for their guests, so maybe I’ll use your visit as an excuse to learn something new. “Expand my horizons,” as my boyfriend always says — I mean husband!

I guess that’s about it.

Since we’re in such close quarters, I’ll be sure to keep still and not make a lot of noise so you can get the rest you need. I have a feeling you’ll sleep like a baby.

Just kick on the wall if you need anything.