Contain massive doses of a number of antioxidants, including anthocyanins and other polyphenols, and carotenoids. They are also high in fiber, folic acid, and vitamins C and E, none of which can help you now.


An excellent source of lycopene. This antioxidant chemical neutralizes free radicals in the body, reducing the rate of oxidation in your cells and slowing the aging process. Slowing, not stopping: you will never be 18 again.


This über-food has been proven to boost serotonin levels, giving fleeting feelings of contentment, which cast the despair into sharper relief. Use them as a snack or to brighten up a salad.


Walnuts contain massive amounts of omega-3 fatty acids, which fight heart disease, and plant sterols, which lower cholesterol, as well as lots of antioxidants. You can lower your risk of cardiovascular disease by 15 percent to 50 percent if you eat a few five times a week. You will still rot in the nursing home, but more slowly and at greater cost to your kids.


All have tons of antioxidants, including flavonoids and other polyphenols, and fiber. Protect against strokes and diseases such as Alzheimer’s. Do not protect against drug-related violence, vehicular homicide, or the spirit-crushing grayness of this tawdry existence.


A good source of vitamin E, which is otherwise hard to get into the diet. Especially if the “diet” is microwave dinners for one, seasoned with tears.


As well as being stuffed full of antioxidants and fiber, and containing virtually no calories, this wonder salad is probably the only organism on earth more truly impotent than you. Add to salads and sandwiches for peppery flavor and laughable feelings of superiority.

Dark Chocolate

An excellent source of flavonoids, which lower cholesterol and prevent fatty deposits from building up in your arteries. Will keep your broken heart beating—as a second-to-second reminder that you are alone—long after you want it to stop.


Still the only friend you’ve ever had and the only home you’ll ever know. A new you? That’s priceless. Drink up.