1. As a fresh-faced ingénue in Hollywood, you will doubtless be swarmed by dissolute hangers-on providing easy access to addictive drugs, unscrupulous dealmakers making promises they can’t keep, and caddish leading men seeking another notch on the bedpost. I can help you navigate this potential minefield, as I know all about the perils of fame—not from personal experience, but from watching several episodes of VH1’s cautionary show Behind the Music. (I assume musical stardom and cinematic stardom have comparable pitfalls.)
2. I took six years of French in middle school and high school and two semesters in college, and I claim my French skill is “elementary” on my résumé. After we spend some time together, it will surely be upgraded to “adequate,” as will my lovemaking ability.
3. Unlike New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who calls your performance in A Very Long Engagement as “arid as the computer-assisted cinematography,” I side with WRCQ-TV (Ashland, Missouri) reviewer Sheila Hopkins, who hails your star turn as “Charming! Enchanting!! Oscar-worthy!!!”
4. I promise not to boast crudely to people that “I’m going out with Amélie.” Instead, I will modestly announce, “I’m sleeping with Amélie.”
5. I will put you in my next film. (Note: This film shall consist of 24 Polaroids of you and me in various states of canoodling, flipped in rapid succession. I reserve all rights to this film after you dump me.)
6. I read three years ago that you were fascinated by monkeys as a child and wanted to be a primatologist. Over the last 36 months, I have conducted an intensive comparative-morphology study of primates in Ghana; my candidacy to Columbia University’s esteemed New York Consortium in Evolutionary Primatology has been accepted; and I have co-authored, with Jane Goodall, a groundbreaking article on variations in primate diet that appeared in the September issue of the American Journal of Primatology. Please still be fascinated by monkeys.
7. You are a hot French woman. In the post-9/11 world, xenophobic Americans frequently discriminate against the French as well as against hot women. I am fully tolerant of both.
8. From your movies, interviews, and fan websites, I get the impression that you, too, believe that lo-fi indie-rock pioneers Pavement peaked with 1994’s sophomore album Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, but that Stephen Malkmus redeemed himself with his eponymous debut solo album. We are made for each other.
9. I may not have an opulent Beverly Hills mansion, but think how cozy my one-bedroom Manhattan apartment will be in the winter. I call first shower in the morning before the hot water runs out!
10. If you Google “Audrey Tautou Loves Teddy Wayne” and click “I’m Feeling Lucky,” you are sent to this page. That means it is true.
My e-mail is linked above. J’attends, mon amour.