Thanksgiving Dinner 101
Instructor: Your Mom
Course Location: 101 Tapley Rd, Dining Room
Hours: Thursday, November 23, 2017 from 2 pm to 6 pm
This course involves an in-depth analysis of your life by your mother, (and other, less important relatives), which will then be compared to your siblings’ lives. Emphases will be placed on whoever makes the most money, who is happily involved with their significant other (but not living together before marriage), and who is closest to producing grandchildren. It is an exploratory, first course that prepares the children for the rest of the holiday season. However, it can also be open to other relatives, including cousins, and unknowing college friends who were simply invited to dinner.
This course is based solely on the time available for Thanksgiving Dinner, from the time the first guest takes off their coat, until the last piece of pumpkin pie is served. Participants must be prepared to answer an onslaught of deeply personal questions in front of their entire extended family, from what they are planning to do with an Arts degree to their sexual orientation. Answers to these questions will have a huge impact on their overall ranking. This course is a prerequisite for Christmas Dinner, so participants must finish the course in relatively high standing, or else their seat at the next family meal will be left uncertain.
- To find out what everyone has been up to since Labor Day.
- To assess the child’s annual income and earnings compared to their lifestyle.
- To analyze their desired significant other and whether he/she is the right match for the family.
- To determine the estimated time before the first grandchild is a possibility.
- To create a ranking of all the children.
- The New Taylor Swift Album
- Sexual Harassment Claims in the News
- Significant Others
Your mother told you not to bring anything, but if you actually show up empty-handed your score will be greatly reduced.
Answers to Questions: 45%
Your Attire: 20%
Your Dish (“Optional”): 10%
Small Talk: 25%
Classroom Rules of Conduct
- No cellphones at the table.
- No reaching over each other to get the last piece of dark turkey meat.
- No discussing the fact that Uncle Mike is still wearing his MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat.
- No leaving the table early. No matter what.
- Be respectful of others. Especially your mother.
Suggestions for Success
In general, we want to hear from you. Your ideas, comments, and questions are accepted, unless they are too controversial and will cause a dispute. We are trying to have a simple family meal together, not start World War III. Politics is on the “Topics” list, but your discretion in these matters is expected.
For the most part this will not be a difficult course. This is not your first Thanksgiving, but for many of you the rules are changing. College is ending, and the real world is beginning, so the training wheels must come off. Your income will now be taken into consideration and you will need to start thinking about producing an heir. There will be challenges for you all. We all know that Maw-Maw talking about “the lesbos down the street” is inappropriate, but she comes from a different time, and bonus points will be given to those who can hold their tongue the longest.
Please note the tentative schedule can be subject to change. Pay attention and don’t fall behind.
Let’s all have a wonderful class together!