Black Friday

Saver Safari Saturday

Damn Son, These Deals Are Sick AF Sunday

Cyber Monday

If You Want Savings to Scream About, Shit Gets Real Serious Tuesday

Wall-to-Wall Wanton Bargain Carnage Wednesday

Pay Us One Coin of Any Type and Drive out of Here with Two Full Dump-Trucks of Merchandise No Questions Asked Thursday

Even the Most Deranged Warlord of Discounts Couldn’t Liberate Your Wallet as Hard as These Skull-Fucking Big Top Bargains Friday

If a Sale Goes Unclaimed Does That Sale Really Exist, It’s a Good Question but Ultimately Irrelevant Because Everyone Wants to Save Big Saturday

This Kaleidoscopic Carnival Ride of Price Slashing Ends Only When Your Spirit Fully Submits to These Doggone Good Deals Sunday

This Can’t Be Real, Savings This Good Shouldn’t Exist and Nothing Makes Sense, so You Become Numb to It All and Cling to the One Thing That Matters, Namely, These Magnificent Markdowns Monday

What’s the Craziest Discount You Could Say in Any Human Language, Would That Actually Make You Happy You Insatiable Monster, Fucking Say Any Deal, Seriously We’re Not Screwing Around Anymore so Don’t Even Test Us Tuesday

You’ve Given This Your All, and You’re Still Empty, but What Can You Do but Keep Plugging Along like a Good Little Soldier, Because the Early Bird Gets the Worm, so Wake up and Save Wednesday

Perhaps You Buy These Things to Make up for the Love You Cannot Buy from Her, Your Partner in a Conventional Sense but No Longer Your Lover, Ha-Ha-Ha, Just Kidding: It’s Because These Goddamned Bargains Are Too Good to Pass up Thursday

The Terror of Being Alone Fills You like a Luigi Bormioli Glassware Set That’s so Deeply Discounted That You Just Keep Buying and Buying and Buying the Same Glassware Set over and over and over Because You Want to Feel Something, Anything, so Why Not a Dynamite Deal Friday

Why Would God Let This Happen, How Can a Human Being Love Another Person One Day and Then Just Completely Stop Loving Them and Move on Emotionally with No Warning, and No Explanation, and It Is Viciously Unfair and Profoundly Illogical to Allow Savings This Sassy Saturday

You Are but a Cog in a Vast, Ineluctable Consumer Discount Machine That No One Sentient Being Designed but That All Beings Are a Part Of, and There Are No Gods and No Devils and No One to Save Us, and No One Is Obligated to Love Us, and That Fact Is Beautiful and Horrific and Incomprehensible All at Once, but We Must Face It Headlong Lest It Devour Us Whole, but Hurry Because All Menswear Is Ten Percent off Sunday