oh god it’s wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and then think about breakfast, maybe?
we have eggs still
but you don’t want just eggs, because just eggs feels like a failure of imagination
i say maybe use last night’s shrimp pad thai for a protein in an omelette
no that’s gross, you say
so i go to the bodega
but i’m feeling super lightheaded and my heart’s pounding and my mouth tastes like rotten drywall from all these cigarettes
which i really need to quit
no like desperately need to quit
my doctor gave me a look when he asked if i still smoked
and it reminded me of the way my high school guidance counselor looked at me when i said I was going to be a poet
it wasn’t a good look, is my point
so when I do get to the bodega
to get a block of cheese and maybe some bacon
like, now that I’m thinking this is also not a great move, health-wise
given my cholesterol and your family history
so instead I keep walking to the Gowanus whole foods
but it’s closed???? Ugh
should not have drank coffee and smoked this much this on an empty stomach
this was a grave miscalculation
so I keep walking until I find an open grocery store where I can buy tomatoes and cilantro
(way too goddamn expensive imho)
and then on my way back
all the coffee comes back on me with a vengeance
and I have to stop in a Pret A Manger and beg the manager for the bathroom
it’s not a proud moment but when was the last time I had one of those
the world’s on fire and I don’t have enough money and I genuinely think I might be depressed
i’m sitting here in a Pret employee bathroom with my pants
around my ankles idly checking Twitter
i see that my ex-girlfriend has gotten married to her girlfriend
i have so many mixed feelings
i didn’t realize they were that serious
and good lord it smells like a charnel house in here and the 4G is incredibly spotty
and then the manager starts knocking very loudly on the door and I yell back
that i’m almost done, hold your damn horses
it’s pretty bitchy of me and I wonder if I’m being racist for feeling so angry at her?
or is it just the caffeine and nicotine talking
either way I’m far too mortified to ever come back to this Pret
this Pret is now officially broken
it was me, i broke the Pret
so on my way home I smoke three more cigarettes
and get another cup of coffee from the bodega
even though I’m at that point where my body
is experiencing that gross dry-firing caffeinated state
where you should probably switch to green tea or just water
but instead you just have another cup of coffee
and your brain is awake but your body feels rancid and worn thin and you start to get heartburn and so you wash down some Tums with more coffee and you think my god, I must be doing something wrong here, I used to love coffee, it used to make me feel transcendent and now it just makes me feel like I need it to brave the subway and then crank out a couple wry remarks to my coworkers before I sink into a working fugue state for eight hours
this is definitely addiction but like not a bad addiction but still
fuck all this shit
by the time I get home with the tomatoes and cilantro for the omelettes I’m a mess
and you’re on your computer reading about the latest horrors
so i can’t gauge whether you’re mad at me for taking so long
or if that’s just a face you’re inadvertently making at the prospect of spending another inexorable day in this absurd geopolitical timeline
and then I realize I have a shitload of boring but necessary administrative tasks I’ve been putting off
tasks that are almost certainly going to eat up the entire back half of the day
and this is the one day we usually spend together
but when I set down the tomatoes and cilantro on our counter I see that
you ordered bagels on Seamless
and though I’m honestly a little miffed that you didn’t text me first
knowing I won’t have to cook is enough, because
it’s so good to eat surprise bagels
and drink some damn water
and love you so much