First of all: it doesn’t matter what inning it is or how many outs
there are, at 4:30 there’s a break for half an hour so everyone can run=
upstairs & watch Los Simpson, & at five, whoever was on base
goes back to standing on their base, unless there’s a decent movie
on Tele-Once, which almost never happens, & whoever was hitting
goes back to the plate, & if it’s ten past five & you’re still gone,

the game starts without you. If the ball goes past the dunes, it’s gone.
If you have two strikes & foul it off into the water, not only are you out,
you have to dive & get it. If it goes between the palm trees, it’s a hit,
but if it hits a palm tree on the fly, it’s a double, & if there’s a runner
on first, he has to hold at third. You should know this: for a movie
to be considered decent it has be about vicious killer pigs & based

on a true story & have some naked chicks in it. Hey, have you been to third base
with a chick yet? Because everybody here has. On Fridays, Manny’s pop goes
to happy hour & Manny mixes Don Q & Crystal Light & plays the movies
hidden in the sewing kit his mom left in the closet. Then, he turns out
the lights & throws eggs from the balcony, & downstairs, people take off running.
This is what you should know about the guys: If Manny ever hits you, hit

him back. If Tito hits you, hit him back. Eric will not hit you. If Gadi hits
you, & he will, don’t do shit. You’ve been warned. Don’t slide into any base
he’s covering—he buries glass. He’s been known to stab invisible runners
in the throat. No called strikes, but if he says you’re gone, you’re gone.
Aluminum bats are fine, but wood is old school. Here, ball is played without
balks or infield fly rules or cups. OK, this is how you tell if a movie

really sucks: the main guy begins to cry & say, “But this is not a movie!
this is real life!” because motherfucker that’s not true, because life will hit
you in the balls & no cup will ever save you. Other stuff: if someone flies out,
the hit & run is on, but there’s no catcher so there’s no stolen bases,
& if you’re tagging up & the ball beats you to the bag, you have to go
back, even if no one’s there to tag you, & whoever has more runs

by nighttime wins, & if it’s tied, it ends a tie. If a team goes up by ten runs,
it’s a KO. Afterwards, you can hit the pool. Then—& this is better than a movie—
the Cubs might be on WGN Chicago, & everyone might go
upstairs to watch, & The Hawk or Ryno or Mark Grace might hit
one onto Waveland & take their sweet ass time rounding all the bases,
& always Harry will be singing in the seventh, counting strikes till you’re out

at the old ball game. What time you out of school? When you get home, run
down here & take whichever base is empty. Tonight’s a late game, no movie
on Tele-Once. Are you ready? You can hit first. Batter up, let’s go.