Dear Coach Sean,
I am writing to you without my husband Gary’s knowledge so I hope you will keep this between just us two, okay? If you get this it means I made it to the post office and back without him noticing a thing. I saw him feverishly writing letters to you about something, which got me to thinking, “What’s Gary all in a lather about now?” Then, when he went out with his buddies for oysters, I happened upon your letters to him.
I must say, Sean, I am compelled by your story. Incidentally, I never even heard you use the word “stud,” but maybe some ladies have used it on you?? Anyway, I think you’re doing one hell of a job with the team. Also, my sisters like you. They both live in Duluth though. I am wondering if you want to maybe send a message to them through me? You’re totally an eligible bachelor they’d love to meet. I am usually pumping gas without the family at the Kwik Trip on Wednesdays between 1:37 and 1:44 p.m. I use pump number six, because of where my gas tank is and because of how it’s easy to get in and out of the station from pump number six. So what I think is you should just discreetly drive up and then, you know, pretend to say hello to me. That way we can chat or something. It won’t be too obvious if you drive up discreetly. My husband, you see, for your information, blessed me with some amazing children and then he blessed me with some amazing boredom.
I like dancing real slow and watching TV all night. I like filthy motel rooms off of small highways. I like drinking white wine with good friends. Gary likes computer viruses, their detection, and subsequent elimination. He likes someone else (me) washing his underpants. He likes trying to kiss me with caramel corn candies stuck onto the ends of his teeth while he tells me, “I’m Count Caramel Corn, I’m Count Caramel Corn. I’ve come to bite you.” I am filled with the sort of passion that is drowning in the middle of a lake known by the locals as Despair.
When you are not coaching the team to victory, what do you like? What do you do in “the off hours”? I’ll tell my sisters all about you. ALL about you. Talk soon. At pump number s-i-x.