Thank you very much, Chairman, committee.
I appreciate any efforts to investigate Russian
influence within our democratic processes,
though of the many conversations I had I don’t recall
having any in Russian. I don’t even recollect
ever meeting a Russian, except the times I did.

Which, I should say, doesn’t mean I did.
Can someone remind me what exactly this committee
is for anyway? Isn’t it apparent I cannot recollect
how to answer a question? That I’m drunk on White Russians?
I guess I met that one Russian ambassador—but I recalled
meeting him as soon a journalist called me out on it! Processes

like remembering facts differ from other processes.
For example: resigning as Attorney General (which I did
try!). Look how that worked out. Did I mention I can’t recall
conversations I had in the White House to this committee?
Goodness, Senator Harris, there really is no need to rush in
and force me to try and refresh my campaign recollections—

campaigns move so fast one simply can’t take notes, only recollect—
why do you think we invented then streamlined processes
for forging alternative facts? Thank goodness the Russians,
the ones who were absolutely nowhere near our campaign, did
jot things down for us. And no, Senator Harris, I can’t commit
to sharing any information in writing. Again, if you recall

the Russians took the notes, not me! Most days I barely recall
the right decade, much less the correct century! Collect
yourself—isn’t it obvious I’m stalling this committee?
You have to leave me alone in a few minutes. That’s the process. See?
Here’s John McCain coming to save me. Whatever the GOP did
to remove his spine—remarkable, right? He’s like our pet crustacian!

Blah blah blah Clinton emails blah blah blah. Russians,
I have on good Russian authority, don’t even exist. Recall
the Clinton emails; such a comfortable, familiar rage. Did
we go over them a thousand times already? Sure. But if you recollect
enough is never enough when you’re disrupting democratic processes,
which is why Clinton’s emails are essential for this committee.

Alright, almost over. Did I give the runaround to this committee
or what?! It’s really too bad y’all can’t re-calibrate these processes.
And anyway, maybe, deep down, we are all Russians. Or not. I can’t recollect.