Day 1: I responded to every text Jen sent me, BUT ignored all her calls. I created the illusion that I was very busy (because you know how Jen can get).

Day 7: I sent an ugly selfie to show Bill that I was WAY too hungover to make it to Mimosa Yoga.

Day 7 (Again): I texted Lawrence that I’ll be too mimosa-yoga-drunk to make it to his Sober Morning Disco.

Day 43: I questioned if my family can truly consider Easter a vegan holiday. I left the group chat after texting, “Yeah… okay.”

Day 184: I told Sara I didn’t want to go camping with her. Then I sent photos of ugly fish until the message was pushed up out of sight.

Day 200: I called Ashley to confirm that adults are, in fact, invited to her niece’s birthday party.

Day 201: I confirmed that there will be adult themes.

Day 202: I confirmed that means I can wear “the chaps.”

Day 203: I confirmed that means I should bring my “binky.”

Day 210: I confirmed that I was not kidding.

Day 212: I let Bridgette know that I went off the grid right before her “Digital Tea-LESS Party.” I told her how unfair it would be to Skype in.

Day 235: I went off the grid, but told Brad I’d be happy to Skype into his performance piece: The Importance of Being in Person.

Day 268: I told Janet that my life is sort of a “performance piece” and “all the tickets are sold out.”

Day 309: I told Jim that I TECHNICALLY bought my ticket to Greece BEFORE he decided to throw his “divorce party.” So…

Day 333: I moved to Greece.

Day 356: I wrote out a message explaining that I left.

Day 364: I recorded it as my voicemail and signed off with “cheers.”

Day 365: I confirmed that no one wants to be friends with people who say “cheers.”