If I’m yelling, it’s not because I’m angry; it’s because I’m Italian.

Is Easter Saturday or Sunday this year?

I’m not the swiftest barrel in the shed.

Inserting golf clubs into body parts does not cross the lines of friendship.

So then we were at the motorcycle place and I guess they thought the bitches weren’t happening, so we left.

Do you ever think that I’m so smart that I must be some kind of god?

Please don’t hang up on my ignorant sorry ass.

I’m not saying it’s not beautiful, I’m just saying some sort of prehistoric monster would spice it up.

He was bleeding like a stuck hemophiliac pig on blood thinners.

It would have been funny, if I weren’t emotionally crippling you.

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Me: Why is it that men think that if they’re wrong their testicles will be cut off?

Fabio: Because that’s the way it used to be.