Thank you for visiting, home of the Baxter County DeathFest.1

We are very disappointed to report that this year’s DeathFest has been canceled, thanks to a host of bands canceling appearances at the last minute. Refunds will be available through Ticketmaster or by calling 1-800-ANIHIL8.

Several artists dropped out after mishaps involving our onsite American Red Cross Bloodmobile. Impaled and Hemorrhage both fell victim to the ineptitude of staff technicians. And the complimentary cookies were but a sad reward for Internal Bleeding and Artery Eruption. Next year, we promise you that the only bloodletting will occur onstage, where it belongs.

More groups called out with a wide range of gastrointestinal maladies, from Amoebic Dysentery and Squash Bowels to Internal Suffering and Putrid Pile. But stay tuned: both Regurgitate and Bile have vowed to make additional appearances soon.

And then there were the bands that simply failed to show up at sound check and did not return our immediate calls. If anyone gets a hold of Fuck… I’m Dead, please have them contact me ASAP. Ditto for Lifend. Six Feet Under have failed to show up to the DeathFest for two years running. Rest assured that they will not be getting a third invitation. That same goes for perennial no-shows Complete Failure.

Happily, several bands were forced to return home due to surprise additions to their families, namely Screaming Afterbirth and Malevolent Creation. Congratulations and mazel tov to the new dads.

We promise to be back next year with a blistering lineup sure to make you soil your pants in abject terror. Total Fucking Destruction and Misery Index have already been confirmed. Can’t wait to see you in the pit!

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1 EDITOR’S NOTE: This piece was originally titled “The Maryland DeathFest Has Been Canceled.” Subsequently, we discovered that the Maryland DeathFest is very much an actual heavy metal music festival held annually in Baltimore, Maryland. We apologize for any inconvenience the original title of this piece caused and hope that next year’s Maryland DeathFest will be the most delightful DeathFest yet.