JACK: We always told him, be careful crossing that street. “Someday Michael won’t be there to stop traffic,” we said.

KACK: I just… I can’t believe how many cars hit him.

MACK: He looked like a feather boa, with a beak sticking out.

NACK: Poor Quack.

CHLOE (a goose): We made love the night before he died. It was fantastic.

OUACK: You were his girlfriend, right? I’m Ouack.

CHLOE: … Wack?

OUACK [resignedly]: With an O.

CHLOE [with dawning horror]: Wait a minute — and you’re… you’re Jack?

KACK: Oh no — he didn’t tell you, did he?

PACK: It’s true. Our parents… they just went right down the alphabet. Jack, Kack, Lack, all the way to him.

NACK: It’s like, you know how the Kardashians named all their kids K names?

LACK: But worse. So much worse.

KACK: Do you know how many times I’ve been given the Heimlich maneuver, just trying to introduce myself?

LACK: It’s like my name has defined me. I do lack. I lack love. I lack warmth. All I want is a child! The ground is ready — I just need someone to plant the seed.

NACK: And Quack — well. Quack was Quack.

MACK: It’s just so… literal!

JACK: Well, he was a duck, right? He Quacked like a duck. I mean… he acted happy.

CHLOE: I haven’t met that many happy ducks in my life. How do they act?

OUACK: Oh for God’s sake, Jack, don’t you see? He was quacking for help, all those years! He knew this was his fault. He was Duck Zero. All of us — all of us! We didn’t rhyme together. We rhymed with him!

KACK: He — he knew Michael wouldn’t be there that day, Jack. He knew no one would stop those cars.

JACK: No. No!

He runs outside to a balcony. Lack follows.

JACK [weeping softly]: It’s just — our parents, all they wanted was to find somewhere safe for us, you know?

LACK: But no matter where you go… there you car.

JACK: Oh Lack. Do you… do you really want a baby?

LACK: But you’re my brother! Oh — I don’t care!

They make love. A squirrel climbs up and sees them. They push him off the balcony, paralyzing him. “Whiter Shade of Pale” plays. A swan boat passes in the distance.