1 Year Old

The theme of the party is dancing around to Sesame Street cassettes. None of my guests even go so far as to stand up; most opt to nap the whole time. One vomits on his mother. I hope it was not the result of an undercooked cake.

2 Years Old

Hire a Power Ranger to facilitate the proceedings. Guests instead clamor for SpongeBob SquarePants. The G.I. Joe party favors are nearly swallowed, yet the cake is thrown on the ground when guests are told it is time to go home.

8 Years Old

Notable fact: I am at least twice as big as any of my guests this year. Also, I am the only one who is married.

17 Years Old

Went and saw my first R-rated movie, as is the custom for all 17-year-olds. My friends were laughing at the antics of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, but the dialogue was too fast-paced for me. The preview for Clint Eastwood’s film looked interesting.

18 Years Old

So many freedoms! Registered to vote; will only actually do so if the home provides a ride come November. Purchased one cigar; will display on bureau for years to come. Bought pornography with high-school buddies; later thrown away due to impotence.

21 Years Old

Am told the tradition involves imbibing 21 drinks of my choice. Opt instead for a glass of gin and the blue-light special. In bed by 7 p.m.

25 Years Old

Upon waking up, notice that my face looks as if I had just stepped out of a wind tunnel. Disappointed that all my peers have such tight skin. When I step into the living room, everyone applauds my arrival, as if it were a huge accomplishment. This makes me feel better.

26 Years Old

Hearing my grandchildren shout “Surprise!” leads to fatal heart attack.