You see the card? It’s an ace, right? Now, it’s a jack. Voila, fuckers! You see the rabbit? Of course you don’t, because it’s hidden in my hat! Kids are stupid! They’ll believe anything! Except, that is, a birthday-party magician! Here are some cups and balls! My big cups and my fuzzy balls! I wish I could say that out loud but your parents would fire me! Watch the cup cover the ball! There were two balls, now there are four! Voila, fuckers!

Hey, kid! Yeah, you, birthday boy! Shut the hell up! I know your dad! He coached me in baseball in fourth grade, back when he was married to his first wife! He was a dick then and he’s probably a dick now! Plus it’s highly likely that he passed his dick behavior along to you! Why are you talking to that girl next to you? She doesn’t like you! In ten years, she’ll still be a tease! You’re going to ask her to go to a movie with you and she’s going to say yes and then about a half-hour before you leave to pick her up she’ll call and say that she doesn’t feel well! You’ll go to the movie without her and see her there with another guy! You will feel like a dick! But a different kind of dick than your dad is or that you already are! You’ll take revenge by asking out a shy girl who is kind of pretty and then making sure that you get into it with her! The next day she’ll think you like her and she’ll be talking to you and another guy will walk up and you’ll casually mention that you got into it with her! She’ll go white in the face and walk away without a word! You made her disappear! Voila, fuckers!

Oh, wait! Mom’s here! Mom wants to tell the kids that we’ll be having cake in ten minutes! Wow! Incredible! Contact the CIA! A party with cake! It’s as shocking as Area 51! I’ll bet it’s that shitty dry cake from the shitty bakery in town! Hey, Mom! You know what? I was going to be a cake baker! I went to school for it and everything! But then I got into a bad thing with a girlfriend and I moved back in the house and my dad who was helping put me through school started acting like a real asshole and I just walked away from it all! I spent two years in finance at lower levels and that was like putting spikes in my eyes! Awful! And because my father kept acting like an asshole I just couldn’t hack it! I quit without telling anyone and joined an Internet company but that started failing at the speed of sound the second I jumped on so then I started doing these parties on the weekend! And wouldn’t you know it, every single time I’m confronted with cake! Inferior cake! I could make better cakes than this by pissing in the batter and then stirring it with…well, you know what I mean! The moms who serve me this cake might as well push my face in it! It all feels like gloating, every day I have to look at these goddamned cakes and these goddamned kids! When I make a coin disappear, it’s like I’m making all the years between nineteen and now disappear also, along with all the hope they contained! Voila, fuckers, voila!

Oh, right. The silks! They’re blue and red and yellow and they’re coming out of my mouth! Happy Birthday, Anton! Happy fucking birthday!