The Cubicle Environmentalist
Day One. And so begins my blog/book/screenplay about my private journey to save the world. I’ve only been a “cubicle environmentalist” for three hours and I’ve already implemented a few simple ideas that will revolutionize the workspace. First, I’ve removed all electricity-consuming devices from my cubicle (computers, phones, etc.). It simply requires looking at “work” in a brand new way, and getting my co-workers to take my phone messages and the receptionists to print out and deliver all my emails. It might mean a little more work for them, but I know they’ll appreciate the chance to pitch in! I’ve also begun an experiment with “cubicultivation.” There’s no reason why empty overhead bins and filing cabinet drawers should be unused, or “fallow.” By filling them with peat moss and vegetable seeds, I’ll soon have a fully functional garden-all for a fraction of my book advance.
The Apartment Environmentalist
Day One. Sobering realization today. My company was so addicted to the energy culture that it only took a few hours of being without electricity (a shortage perhaps caused by the cubicultivation irrigation system) for them to end my experiment entirely. However, my newfound freedom has brought instant environmental dividends: no more burning fossil fuels with commuting or trips to the dry cleaners. Plus, my girlfriend will finally realize that this is a “daring experiment” not a “colossal mistake” when she gets to witness my ideas firsthand in our apartment. She’s bound to be won over now that I’ve taken the next logical step in indoor farming: raising goats! Goats truly are the perfect resource, providing milk for nourishment, fertilizer for the bathtub garden, and eventually meat and pelts in the winter.
The Living Room Environmentalist
Day One. Every day brings exciting new discoveries in animal husbandry: Goats enjoy the morning light of my bedroom. Also, goats are surprisingly territorial. Every challenge is an opportunity, however, and sitting perfectly still behind the couch for hours on end has helped me to achieve a state of “transcendental conservation.” I’ve not yet mastered milking, but I have learned that you can feed goats almost anything: credit card bills, threatening letters from a publisher, eviction notices, etc. Also, by entering and exiting my apartment via the fire escape, I’ve eliminated any temptation to use the elevator (or “coal shaft,” as I like to call it). All these new transformations, and the recent departure of my girlfriend, have surely cut my carbon footprint at least by half.
The Futon Environmentalist
Day One. Unlike our individualistic and wasteful modern culture, traditional societies understood that the best way to conserve resources was to live as a tribe. A modern tribe can be your extended family, fellow members of your church, or even your recently married ex-college roommate and his wife. And in a tribe, everyone contributes in their own way. For example, I’m paying my share of the rent by reducing their electricity costs: turning out lights, unplugging their refrigerator, putting dirty clothes in with the dishes in the dishwasher-these are all lessons that will keep saving them money long after the date I’ve agreed to leave.
The Parents’ Basement Environmentalist
Day Fifty Four. Returning to my roots has brought fresh inspirations and several new projects. I have recently developed the concept of “personal recycling” in which one reuses items from one’s own life. For example, I am currently sleeping on my childhood bed and driving my parents’ old station wagon. And, realizing how important it is to incorporate environmentalism into every aspect of my life, I’ve installed solar panels on my SimHouse and my World of Warcraft mage now uses only nature spells. Finally, I have become a dedicated locavore, and just eat foods that come from within a one-mile radius, primarily the Dunkin Donuts, Costco, and my parents’ refrigerator.