Since its inception, Camp Green Lake has operated on one guiding principle: “If you take a bad boy and make him dig a hole every day in the hot sun, it will turn him into a good boy.” Now more than ever, we believe this principle is essential to the American way of life, and that’s why we’re excited to announce our grand reopening for 2020.
As you know, the Camp Green Lake rehabilitation program for delinquent boys was closed this summer due to the coronavirus pandemic. We regret that your children had to miss out on their court-appointed summer fun, but in the meantime, we’ve made tons of improvements to enforce their safe return.
First and foremost, we’re now enrolling girls, too. At the new Camp Green Lake, the term “girl scouts” is no longer used pejoratively but as a badge of honor, in our mission to double incarceration rates and help all children dig their way to a brighter future.
The safety of your little felon or feloness is our #1 priority. As a progressive, woman-owned institution, we’ve always offered exclusively outdoor activities for the health of our campers. But we do take COVID-19 seriously, so we’ve gone even further to ensure proper social, emotional, and spiritual distancing:
- To help campers visualize the CDC’s recommended 6 feet of distance, we’ve increased standard hole size from 5′ × 5′ to 6′ × 6′
- After hours, campers must wear their shovel across their shoulders to maintain distance and reduce cross-contamination
- Clothing and bed linens are to be sanitized nightly in a germ-killing solution of peaches and onions
- Meals will be served individually at the dig site for total isolation and expediency — along with a second daily water break
- We now provide an on-site medic to prevent disease spread as well as close what’s known as “the rattlesnake bite loophole”
- Activities requiring close proximity, including fighting, tutoring, and going back for Madame Zeroni, are strictly prohibited
With health and safety measures in place, Camp Green Lake is fully equipped to give children their much-needed R&R (repentance and restitution). Nevertheless, we believe in a traditional camping experience — filled with long, sunshiney days and the permission to get dirty!
That’s why we’ve added amenities that any child or ward of the state will totally dig:
- To ensure campers’ full-time activity, staff members will take over the writing of letters to home
- The Camp Green Lake Water Park (formerly outdoor showers) provides good clean fun in socially distanced stalls
- Distanced lodging arrangements are also guaranteed through expansion into the newly refurbished Kissin’ Kate Barlow schoolhouse — a Green Lake institution once lost to alleged hate crimes of yore
- Virtual poverty shaming sessions will replace Dr. Pendanski’s weekly in-person poverty shaming
- Personal care items like hand sanitizer, yellow spotted lizard repellent, and nail polish (poisonous and non-poisonous) are produced on-site and available for purchase
Finally, Camp Green Lake is restating its commitment to character-building excavation. We know parents are struggling to find outlets for their child’s education, socialization, and trumped-up criminal charges right now. So we’re proud to offer an all-encompassing solution: making your bad kid good again through a proven treatment plan called, “Digging Holes In Places Where It Never Rains.”
After all, whether it’s the result of a broken system virtually unchanged despite a global pandemic and nationwide protests, or a no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-grandfather, we believe ALL children deserve the chance to suffer.
Louise “Excuse Me?” Walker
Warden of Camp Green Lake