Racial anxiety comes in several flavors. There’s light (hand-wringing over pop-rap), medium (hand-wringing over “critical race theory”), and heavy (unironically citing the Great Replacement). It’s America’s second most popular sport, which is why Remember the Titans remains every middle school’s favorite integration parable. And while that movie’s done good work diversifying game day barfights, there’s still tension in the air.
From vouchers to arrest quotas to walls, modern flavors tend to be proxies for one issue. Numbers. White nationalists fear irrelevance on the land settled/borrowed/burned by their ancestors. One might recall blunt tiki-torch slogans, or subtler op-eds about Christian values. Instead of deriding those fears, I’d like to take them at face value. I think I can save White America.
I’m not here to tell you you’re wrong. You are, but that’s not a story I’m interested in retreading. I’m a solution-oriented guy, and I don’t think anyone grows from being talked down to. Instead, I’d like to pitch a way forward. An answer. An alternative to the image of white erasure sketched by Coulter and perfected by Carlson. You can, with one simple step, reverse white demographic decline. The white American majority can recover and endure for another two hundred years.
All you need to do is give us your money.
Prosperity and birth rates have a direct inverse relationship. Where abject poverty goes, babies follow. Where economic security, effective education, and clean water go, Trojan products follow. There’s no visa ban, deportation surge, or country music festival that can reverse this simple law of economic gravity. Poor people bone. As long as Untermensch bank accounts suffer, our baby showers will thrive.
So give us your money.
A mass transfer of wealth would succeed where the movie star and reality TV host failed: preserving white society. Yes, that society would have trouble affording little things like food and defense lawyers. But it would gain a demographic advantage that the monocle-wearing, Tesla-driving Blacks could never overcome. Gerrymandering is nice, but there’s nothing better than having more players on the field.
Don’t think about it. Just send it.
You can bring back the Good Old Days, when white men enjoyed absolute control of Congress, culture, and dysentery. The freshly unemployed majority would be free to breed without distractions. Motivated white voters and workers would fill every alleyway and jail cell in the nation. Add a little abstinence-only sex education, and America will be whiter than ever.
I’ll take cash.
Perhaps you can’t imagine your rivals abandoning the long-awaited white genocide. Birth of a Nation planted images of black revenge more influential on the American psyche than Star Wars. On this point, I can speak for everyone else on the census: we would rather have your money. I assure you that everyone from Roxane Gay to Candace Owens will accept a direct bank transfer to preserve American values. Yes, there’ll be some discontented grumbling. But we’ll be quote-tweeting from country clubs.
Admittedly, it would have been polite to point this out sooner. We could’ve skipped decades of vague rambling about intellectual diversity and state rights. In defense of subalterns, we offered hints. Affirmative action. Reparations. Most muggings. All of these gently implied that a little green would make your problems go away. I hope the direct approach helps us move forward.
After everything, I know it’s hard to imagine White America having a Black savior. Embrace it. This is your chance to make 2016’s promise a reality. It’s time to leave racial hatred behind and focus on the ideological hatred of the future.