Fellow citizens, after a long and contentious election season, it appears that tensions are peaking among Americans dissatisfied with how the results turned out. But it is my duty to remind you that we are at our best when we unite and persevere through periods of struggle and strife, and we should never resort to exacerbating a crisis through our words or actions. That is why I am calling for an end to domestic terrorism like the kind that invaded our Capitol. I also urge my colleagues to come up with a bipartisan solution to the attempted coup, which was fueled primarily by the incompetence, recalcitrance, and sociopathic inability to contemplate human suffering that are the hallmarks of my Republican party.
That’s right, folks. It’s time to admit that there are winners and losers in politics, and sometimes, your candidate just doesn’t pull out the victory. Now, ordinarily, I would negligently urge you to risk your life in a futile effort to threaten the centuries-old traditions of American democracy. However, it appears as if you actually took our word for it this go around. So, this is awkward, but… please don’t? We’re serious this time.
This is my firm, measured request that you work with your elected officials from both parties, only one of which has spent the better part of four years perpetuating the creation of this exact conflict, and despite actually having spent hours upon hours of airtime on your cable news network of choice actually delegitimizing that other party. Yes, nit-pickers among you will whine that it was just yesterday that I made a joke about sending fascistic battalions of vigilantes to decertify the results of a federal election, and maybe, probably, violently deprive people of participation in the electoral process. That, of course, was almost 24 hours ago. Now, at this time, I am thinking differently, and we should defuse the situation I described in careful detail.
Now more than ever, it is the Democrats’ responsibility to help quell the armed uprising that many of my colleagues and I have kept our white supremacist, conspiracy-loving supporters fantasizing about for years. Before this situation gets any worse, and any more of my comments made over the past few years are taken at face value, I am demanding the treasonous Democrats make a unified statement joining us in denouncing this anti-American activity. They must acknowledge that this pattern of behavior that I have remorselessly encouraged on countless occasions must end.
Together, we can begin to undo the damage that us Republicans have caused.