“Fearful that Trump could take actions resulting in further violence and death if he remains in office even for a few days, senior administration officials were discussing Wednesday night whether the Cabinet might invoke the 25th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution to force him out.” — The Washington Post, 1/7/21

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It’s finally here. That glorious moment we’ve all been waiting for. You’ve wanted it for four years; I’ve wanted it a hell of a lot longer. Since 1967 when lawmakers were like, “Damn, we forgot to make a plan if the president goes bonkers.” And since then, it has been a real snoozefest. It was kind of exciting when Nixon resigned, but that’s like watching paint dry compared to this.

I know I’ve been a real cock tease up until now. There have been so many “almost moments.” When Trump got into a nuclear pissing contest with North Korea. When he fired Comey. When he tried to bribe the Ukrainian president. All of it — bupkis. And just when we thought we’d never get that sweet release — BAM! A bunch of MAGA-hat-wearing numbnuts bum-rushed the Capitol like it’s the goddamn WWE Thunderdome. Flying their shitty homemade flags and busting through windows like ex-boyfriends ignoring restraining orders. And what did Trump say? WE LOVE YOU. Valentine’s Day came early for this Amendment. And just in time because I’ve had blue balls for 54 years.

I get that I can be a real hassle to invoke. I’m also super confusing. “Unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office” could mean anything. But I have to believe it includes inciting terrorists to commit treason, or why am I even here?

I know Trump could be like, “I’m sane, the sanest man in the world.” And then two-thirds of Congress has to nut up and say, “Bitch, sit down and shut up.” I get it, it’s a lot. But you know what else is a lot? Watching a bunch of idiots take over the seat of government like it’s Spring Break on South Padre Island.

These are unprecedented times. In the building where we pass our laws, a shirtless man rocking horns and face paint wandered around the halls, spouting crackpot QAnon conspiracy theories.

The word “surreal” has lost all meaning. But I’ve never felt more alive!

Even Mitch McConnell warned that our country could enter a "death spiral.” And you know all that dude wants to do is throw a tantrum because Georgia smacked him across the face and sent him back down to the minor leagues. But instead, he’s gotta put on a mask and stand in front of Congress and pretend that he’s sensible and duty-bound. He’s ready to put this bad acid trip behind him forever.

This is what I’ve been training for my entire life. Put me in, coach!

I know, Trump’s only got two weeks left in office, and a lot of people think he’s just going to shut himself up in the White House, Grey Gardens style. OR he could wage an entire war. The Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896 only lasted 40 minutes. This means Trump could fight 504 wars before this nightmare is over.

Remember when we impeached him and it was such a letdown? This would be SO MUCH BETTER.

Sure, it’s a long shot. Yes, it will require Republicans to be like, “Sorry, we were dicks who let this other dick do whatever he wanted, and then he pissed on the Constitution.” But remember when the U.S. hockey team beat Russia in the 1980 Olympics, and everyone was like “Democracy Won!” I was only 13 years old, but I still remember it. Because that day, I was proud to be an American. It could be like that again.

Look, I don’t have much. Please, just give me this. The last time anyone used me was in 2007 when Bush had a colonoscopy, and Cheney got to be president for about two hours. Don’t let that be my legacy. A couple of hours that a pretty terrible guy got to be president because another guy had a camera up his ass. I’m better than this. We’re better than this. AMERICA is better than this.

So, let’s do this! And then hope that on January 20 things calm down, so we can all get some fucking rest.