Mobs invaded the U.S. Capitol building yesterday, but us Republicans got to confirm more than 220 white male judges who want to force women to give birth against their will, so it was worth it!

The entire world watched a bunch of QAnon Duck Dynasty rejects storm our nation’s capital, but at least we did our part and confirmed the whitest judiciary since the Nixon era. Hooray for the GOP!

The most powerful man in the world said “We Love You” to rioting insurrectionists, but Justice Brett Kavanaugh likes beer and tried to rape a woman according to sworn testimony. The party of “family values” is totally nailing it!

A confederate flag was flown in the Senate on the day that Georgia’s first Black senator was elected, but our judges will erode Black voting rights for decades to come, so that’s a win-win for us Trump Republicans!

Pipe bombs were planted outside the DNC and RNC offices, but our new judges will actively work to limit the rights of LGBTQ people, which is a pretty fair trade-off!

A rioter graffitied MURDER THE MEDIA on a door inside the Capitol, but Justice Amy Coney Barrett believes wives should be subservient to their husbands, so job well done, fellas! Grab them by the pussy, amirite?

White supremacists ransacked Congress yesterday, but the important thing to remember is that corporations are people who can spend unlimited amounts of money to elect people like Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell!

Trump’s “stop-the-steal” armed gang of thugs fought with police, toppled barricades, broke windows, hunted lawmakers, trashed offices, and proudly posted selfies, but we sure owned the libs by giving lifetime appointments to a bunch of unqualified, homophobic, misogynist racists. So much winning!

Explosive devices and Molotov cocktails were found on Capitol grounds, but our excellent Trump judges will always side with the NRA to ensure this definitely happens again!

A woman was shot dead in the Capitol and 360,000 Americans died of Coronavirus because our president and his party have been busy with other things, like confirming all these fabulous 1950s cosplay judges and trying to overthrow a democratic election. On the bright side, the federal government can murder people again!

From his minority-bashing presidential bid announcement, to his “American carnage” inauguration speech, to his four-year rule of hatred, corruption, criminality, and incitement, our glorious leader has led our party and country to this ignominious moment, in which a mob of angry white, aggrieved men tried to take over our government because their lying, cheating, draft-dodging, defalcating, reality-tv donkey turd lost the election. But we made America great again because we’re forcing women to bury fetal tissue after having an abortion. Mission accomplished, boys!