Look, shopping for your mom is tough. It can be hard to come up with mother’s day gifts year after year. There are some years when you feel like your mother is a stranger and you find it impossible to find something she might like. Or maybe you’re very close, and you have no clue how you’re going to top last year’s Kitchen-Aid mixer. Either way, this guide will help you find the perfect gift that captures the one special thing that connects every mother and child.

A candle

A candle as a gift may seem like a cop out or an afterthought, but picture this: you’ve just taken a massive dump. It doesn’t smell good. What are you reaching for? That’s right. A $30 beautifully packaged, fig scented candle. Know who else takes dumps? Your mom and she needs a candle too.

A seashell

This is a small keepsake your mom can take with her anyway. It’ll remind of that walk on the beach at Martha’s Vineyard you took together. If you can obtain a seashell from that very beach, even better. She can put it in her purse and take it with her always. If she’s ever in a pinch, it will also serve as a small vessel to poop into.

One of the past year’s bestselling novels

This is for your mom to read on the toilet, because guess what, your mom takes dumps and as she gets older, they’re taking a longer time. She’ll want something lengthy but engaging, and set in the antebellum U.S. — all extremely conducive to pushing one out. Maybe she’d like Colson Whitehead’s The Underground Railroad or Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders. If she hates it, she can wipe herself with its pages in a cathartic exercise.

Bluetooth speaker

Small, portable, and convenient — your mom can take it anywhere to cover up the sound of her butt trumpeting into the toilet.

New walking sneakers

These shoes will help get your beautiful mother to the toilet to make some stink logs very fast and with proper ergonomic support.

A fine soap

For cleaning poop.

… OK, look: I know these have mostly been about shooting one down the turd flume. But pooping equalizes us all at a most basic, biological level. You and your mother are one in the same. Remember the moment in-between childhood and adulthood when you realized your mother was a three-dimensional, actual human being with flaws, hobbies, fears, and interests? Was she on the toilet at her most vulnerable, bearing her humanity? For me, the answer is yes. And these gifts capture that!

Maybe you’re thinking, Could she please list one gift idea that is not about dropping a deuce?

Sure I can….

A brunch at her favorite restaurant

This one is not about shitting. But it will be.