Pretty good day! Got my iron axe fixed up. Finally got around to sorting the stuff I pillaged from the Romans so it’s not stacked up where the kids sleep. Looking forward to the next raid. Gonna try to snag some of that olive oil to put on our boiled barley.
Yeah, life’s not too bad for us Celts here in Celtland. The Romans want us to call it “Tarraconensis,” but me and the guys think it should be named “Espana” or “France” or “Land of Cool Guys.”
My son Garnaith was messing around with some of that woad plant that grows out behind the house — it made his skin all blue. I tried some of it on myself and it looks so good. Like, so good. Got me thinking that a completely blue body would be a great way to scare the crud out of the Romans.
Plus the body paint makes me like myself better. And lately, the only times I’ve felt good is when I’m killing guys with my axe, so this felt like a big step, personally.
Can’t stop thinking about the body paint. Imagining the looks on the guys’ faces when I show up to the raid with my blue body… “Wow, that looks great!” they’ll say. And the Romans’ll freak out and run back to wherever they came from, which I think is the moon? It’s why they’re called Ro-moons.
So excited to debut my body paint tomorrow! Had to leave the mead hall early tonight because I was so giddy. The guys kept saying, “Asger, what’s up with you? You’re being weird.” I lied and said, “Just thinking about raid stuff. You know, killing people with my axe and the like.” They understood.
Well, the raid went horribly.
Before we got going, I put some blue on my chest and arms and hid it underneath my chainmail. Then, before we ran over the hill to start pillagin’, I paused, took off my armor, smeared some more blue over my eyes, and said, “Okay, let’s do this.” There was a long pause, and then all the guys burst out laughing. It was mortifying! I tried to wipe the paint off, but it just spread around more. Everyone just laughed harder.
The whole way back to the village it was just constant jokes: “You look blue like the river” or “Asger, more like Blue-ger.” Even the prisoners were getting in on it.
It sucked.
I told my wife about the guys’ response to the blue paint and she got quiet and just said, “Yeahhhh” and then trailed off.
Went to get my bronze belt buckle fixed and Atrextus the bronze hammerer asked if I even needed it since I gave up clothes for body paint. “It doesn’t look good,” he yelled as I walked away. Maybe he’s right… he does have all the coolest bronze stuff.
Ugh only just noticed that I spilled blue paint on my woolen trousers and leather cap — my good leather cap — and now I have basically no good clothes left for the general assembly. So my choices are these blue-covered pants or my old trousers, which make my legs look like freaking long-boat oars.
Need to go harvest some barley for my kids. Gonna wear the stained pants, see how they look. Hope I don’t run into Atrextus.
Update: Guess who I ran into! Atrextus the bronze freak! Wodan curses me!
Feel like I might have to challenge Atrextus to an axe fight. He’s been calling me “Sky Face” and “Water Boy.” Feels super bad to hear.
Weather’s been great though, gotta love these hot months.
Town elders said I can’t kill Atrextus with my axe for making fun of my body paint. Bummer. Had to go sit by the old rocks and think for a bit. A couple of Ro-moons stumbled through and I killed one with my axe, which made me feel a little better.
I’m in a tailspin! Now I’m hearing that some of the other guys have been putting woad on their bodies and acting like they came up with it? And tonight at the mead hall they were saying painting yourself blue is cool now!? What’s going on?
I’m totally alone diary. My wife says I’m overreacting, the elders say I can’t kill someone with my axe for stealing my idea, and Atrextus is acting like he was “team blue” the whole time. This is worse than the time I got shot with an arrow!
Just found out the guys are going to the assembly meeting in blue paint. Gonna try to one-up them: I got some fishing net and wrapped it around my legs like fishing net stockings. It looks even better than the blue paint! And if Atrextus doesn’t like it, I’ll kill him with my axe. Worst that can happen is they banish me to Iceland.
Well diary, Iceland sucks.