How do you make Dragon-Free Butterscotch?

Like all premium butterscotch, our blend of butter, cream, vanilla, and single-malt Scotch boils to the threshold of soft-crack texture, but we take it one step further: a dash of Bakunawa blood. The condensed life force of this Philippine serpent wards off all dragons within a 20-mile radius, sealing the dimensional fissures created by the butterscotch and filtering out any scales, fangs, or claws that may tear through.

Is your Dragon-Free Butterscotch really dragon-free?

Our butterscotch is certified by the FDA* to be at least 98 percent dragon-free. What does that mean to you? It means at last you and your family can enjoy a rich and creamy treat without an enormous winged serpent surging out of your spoon and scorching your dining-room table with the fury of Hades.

How do dragons get inside my butterscotch in the first place?

This confectionery curse dates back to medieval Scotland, when a butter farmer stumbled upon a lair near the River Oykel and found a pile of shedded scales shimmering near the riverbank. He stole these scales and laced them onto a necklace for his daughter, which he presented to her as a wedding gift. At the wedding reception, the Oykel dragon cast a dark shadow over the crowd and swooped down, grasping the necklace in its fangs and pulling the daughter with it. This started the thousand-year war between the butter farmer’s family and the dragon’s clan. The farm has since been replaced by a pudding factory. Which is cursed.

What’s a butter farmer?

The guy who plows the butter fields. Where do you think butter comes from?

Uh, churned cow’s milk?

Yeah, that’s a myth.

How can I tell if my butterscotch is infested with dragons?

Check your pantry for the following: isolated rain showers, mountains of precious stones such as emeralds or rubies, and discarded scratch tickets. Dragons are bringers of rain, guardians of treasure, and have a terrible gambling problem. They recognize, intellectually, that the lottery is a regressive tax, but they feel that these impulse purchases are small gestures of hope. This is why their nails have a silver coating.

Is there any way to neutralize the Bakunawa blood? What if I want a dragon in my butterscotch?

We don’t advise altering the magic seal, but it is your choice as a consumer. First, you must travel to the enchanted forest of the goblin prince, present five UPC symbols as proof of purchase, and offer your firstborn … Wait, are you a dragon?

What? Of course not … Come on, cherry, cherry … RAOORRRR! Damn, these things are cursed.

Just as we thought! Please note that dragons are also not eligible for our jingle contest.

I’ve never had dragons in my butterscotch, nor have I ever even heard of such a problem. Did you just name your product “Dragon-Free” to imply that other brands of butterscotch do, in fact, have dragons in them?

Perhaps your skepticism is really a form of naiveté. Perhaps you live a tiny, sheltered life and have yet to witness the long-nostriled visage reflected upside down in your dessert spoon, or the sulfur of an ancient curse clouding your vanity mirror, but soon, ah, yes, soon enough, you will make an impulse purchase of lesser-quality butterscotch and your lunch break will become a doorway to hellfire!

Also try our certified-organic unicorn burgers, now available in your grocer’s freezer section.

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*Faerie and Dragon Alliance.