Everybody is on their phones not noticing big buildings in America and it fucking SUCKS! What’s wrong? Afraid to get canceled?! Buildings are concrete dick slabs and they rock! This list could have been a million cities but my mom is RUINING MY LIFE.

5. San Diego

LOL, good luck!

I’m super loyal to San Diego because that’s where my dad’s new family lives. So can you blame me for putting it on here? :)

I had a hard time justifying San Diego as a primo concrete boner town. San Diego is known for its killer waves, killer whales, and my dad’s bitchin’ new family. All those things are cool, but not for this list!

I settled on The Coronado Bridge because every time I go visit my dad he takes me to the highest part of the bridge and tells me one of us has to jump for life to make any sense. It’s really high up!

Now, most of this list is gonna be rock rods that are shooting straight up into the sky, waiting for that cloud action. The Coronado Bridge is NOT a rock rod that is shooting up into the sky. I KNOW. FUCK.

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4. Seattle

Fuck, marry, or kill? I can’t choose haha

I’d be ready for action all the time too if I had to be around these fucking hogs all day. Mama Mia. Seattle comes in at number four overall not for its standard girth slabs but for keeping an eye towards the future. OH YEAH BABY, I’M BRINGING UP SPACE HOG.


Space Hog was built to show the world the meat we want, not the meat we have. If I had that meat I’d be pretty confused about my frisbee-like dickhead but I’m not in the future — I’m in right now.

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3. Santa Fe, New Mexico

I fucking hate my mom

Off the beaten path for scrod slabs but not for much longer. Santa Fe slings a very tasteful nub hub that should make the Southwest feel pretty proud. I know a lot of people are gonna blow up my mom’s email account with things like “they look like sandy dirt dicks” or “this isn’t a list about square balls, we’re talking meat bats — get it together!”


Small, sandy dicks are cool! And you know what they say, it’s not the size of the boat it’s the moshun in the oshun. Sand is in the oshun, loser!

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2. Washington DC


Chode City. No long boys. Just big fat chodes.


But if you do what you love you never work a day in your life so DC is District of Chode and they are loving it!


If you don’t say it, I will: These are some freaking power chodes!

The only reason this is not higher is because of the Washington Monument. Very thin pee-pee, uh-oh LOL.

OMG yikes!

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1. New York

Could it be anywhere else? Big juicy hard boys. Width and girth and all pushed together on a stinky island — what the heck, it’s not even fair! I mean what should other cities even do? Just sit and watch these monsters plow the clouds? Aw, man. Sucks to be them!

Imagine getting off a bus from some other micro-peen city and stepping foot in this meat minefield. You came to the Big Apple to be the next Vin Diesel? Uhhhhh sorry! You are Samantha from Season 2 Episode 18 of Sex and the City. You are dating Mr. Cocky, and he is just a little too big. But instead of one Mr. Cocky, you got a whole grid system of Mr. Cockies! Too much girth, not enough time. You are looking at the Empire State Building and that is not even the biggest one!

The cast of Sex and the City hates each other :(

Meanwhile, right under your feet is a den of metal snake chubs making sure the cast of Hamilton gets wherever they need to go.

The HBO version of Sex and the City is gross!!!!

Sorry sweetie, you should have stayed home. This city will eat you alive!

And to anyone who thinks I will quit on this list, I will NEVER. This list is NOT complete because I will NEVER sleep until I stand at the base of every one of these girth dogs and SCREAM.

And Mom: If you thought disabling GOOGLE MAPS from MY INTERNET was going to stop me from looking at Building Dongs, you are not only DUMB but a BAD MOM. I use BING! I love BING! I love DAD!

Dad: None of Mom’s lovers are half the man you are! STAY STRONG.