I. THE CHILD: AMBITION
There was a young lad, name of Gergen,
Who planned to become a great surgeon(1).
But his heart of hearts
From the medical arts
Was slowly but surely divergin’.
II. THE ADOLESCENT: REBELLION
For politics beckoned young David:
’Twas government work that he favored(2).
Said Mom, “Be a doctor!”
But cruelly he mocked ’er;
His father just thought him depravèd.
III. THE YOUNG MAN: SERENDIPITY
Now one day, ambivalent Gergen
Encountered a magical sturgeon(3).
This rarest of fish
Said “I’ll grant you a wish
If you keep my fucking eggs from being harvested(4).”
IV. THE ADULT: FRUITION
He wished for success as a pundit.
He dropped out of med school and shunned it.
From news analyzer
To Reagan’s adviser—
The White House? He practically runned it(5)!
V: THE ELDER STATESMAN: PROMISCUITY
And look at him now: David Gergen!
His prospects are rather encour’gin’(6).
He runs wild and free
On the streets of D.C.—
He’s surely no longer a virgin!
(1) It is apparent that the author does not know how to pronounce “Gergen.”
(2) Said with a heavy New York accent, it rhymes.
(3) See note (1). Also, this turn of events seems somewhat silly.
(4) There is just no excuse for this affront to scansion, rhyme, and propriety.
(5) Oh, come the fuck on.
(6) I guess we didn’t expect the author to figure out that it’s a hard “g” this late in the game, but still.