The Self-Care Act
To replace the Affordable Care Act of 2010 with affordable, quality self-care tips for all Americans.
IN THE SENATE OF THE UNITED STATES
Mr. CRUZ (for himself, Mr. McCONNELL, Mr. RUBIO, and Mr. PAUL) introduced the following bill; which was read twice and referred to the Committee on Finance.
That is way better than the Affordable Care Act of 2010. We promise.
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,
SECTION 1. SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE; INTRODUCTION, TABLE OF DIVISIONS, TITLES, AND SUBTITLES.
a.) SHORT TITLE. — This Act may be cited as the “Self-Care Act of 2017.”
b.) INTRODUCTION. — The Affordable Care Act (Public Law 111–148) will be replaced with the Self-Care Act. Americans surviving under the SCA will be provided with helpful and cost-effective self-care tips that can be performed without the assistance of medical professionals. Tax-paying Americans will no longer be burdened with paying for a broken healthcare system (cough, Obamacare, cough). Those insured under the Self-Care Act cannot be denied health care for pre-existing conditions because they will be their own healthcare providers. Think of this bill as providing assurance instead of insurance.
c.) TABLE OF DIVISIONS, TITLES, AND SUBTITLES. —This Act is divided into divisions, titles, and subtitles as follows:
DIVISION A—AFFORDABLE SELF-CARE TIPS
TITLE I—SELF-CARE FOR MINOR INJURIES AND AILMENTS
Subtitle A—Walk It Off
Subtitle B—Get Some Rest
Subtitle C—Read the Bible
Subtitle D—Shoot a Gun
Subtitle E—Suck It Up, Crybaby
Subtitle F—Mrs. McConnell’s Chicken Soup Recipe
TITLE II—SELF-CARE FOR MENTAL ILLNESS
Subtitle A—Happiness is a Choice
Subtitle B—Just Be Normal
Subtitle C—Pray the Gay Away
Subtitle D—Make Love to a Gun
Subtitle D—Snap Out of It, Snowflake
Subtitle E—Mrs. Cruz’s Bathtub Zoloft Recipe
TITLE III—SELF-CARE FOR PRENATAL AND NEONATAL CARE
Subtitle A—Don’t Have an Abortion
Subtitle B—Don’t Have an Abortion
Subtitle C—Don’t Have an Abortion
Subtitle D—You Have a Baby Now!
TITLE IV—SELF-CARE FOR WOMEN’S HEALTH
Subtitle A—Listen to Your Dad
Subtitle B—Listen to Your Brother
Subtitle C—Listen to Your Husband
Subtitle D—Listen to Your Son
Subtitle E—Listen to Jesus
Subtitle F—Listen to Your Male Teacher
Subtitle G—Listen to Your Mailman
Subtitle H—Listen to That Homeless Man
Subtitle I—Take a Bubble Bath, Or Something
TITLE V—SELF-CARE FOR DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT
Subtitle A—Sending Thoughts and Prayers!