When buying kombucha, always go organic.

Embrace the chia seeds. Feel their essence. String them into a necklace and sell it on Etsy.

Kombucha is expensive. Don’t worry if purchasing it forces you to dip into your 401(k).

Every bottle contains small notes of the Divine, a unique flavor profile produced by the celestial breaths of Namaste herself.

Whenever a bottle of kombucha expires, a SoulCycle employee cries.

Consuming kombucha is a privilege that could be taken away at a moment’s notice by Her Majesty, Whole Foods.

If you decide to make love to your bottle of kombucha, remember to always wear a tote bag.

When returning from the market, the best mode of transportation for kombucha is a Toyota Prius.

When your financial advisor questions all the withdrawals from your 401(k), look them dead in the eyes and whisper, “Kombucha.

If you drop your bottle of kombucha and it shatters, don’t worry. It just experienced its one and only orgasm.

Aside from cage-free quinoa, another great food pairing with kombucha is grass.

As a loyal disciple of Namaste, you must be ready to fight in The Thousand Years War between Kombucha and Pressed Juice.

It’s rumored that empty bottles of kombucha shelter the fallen souls of Lululemon employees.

Beware of over-consuming kombucha. Studies show that it will destroy your 401(k).

Do not vomit.