Welcome to our Passover Seder! The history of the Jewish people reaches back nearly 4000 years. Our ancestors were slaves in the land of Egypt, but today Ivanka and I rejoice in our six bedrooms, seven bath Washington, D. C. lair. While we celebrate, however, we cannot forget those still yearning for release from bondage, like Paul Manafort, unjustly prosecuted for mere process crimes in this biggest witch hunt in U.S. history.
Tonight we give thanks to the Lord our God (and Bill Barr) for freedom — freedom to redefine “complete exoneration,” obliterate all political norms, and pressure Qatar for $1.1 billion to bail out my unfortunate real estate investment.
May this Seder inspire us to light the torch of white nationalism and burn anyone who stands in our way. Thus, we begin with the lighting of the candles.
KIDDUSH BLESSING OVER THE WINE
Next, we recite the blessing over the wine, given to us from Eric Trump Winery. This wine symbolizes the sweetness of a wealthy father who provides his children with unearned college acceptances and lucrative employment regardless of security clearance concerns. Amen.
The parsley on our Seder plate reminds us of spring and the earth’s natural bounty, which has ten years remaining before rising CO2 levels threaten global food supplies, if you choose to believe left-wing scientists.
We dip the parsley into salt water representing the tears of children held captive at our southern border, where we hold them until California needs more fruit pickers. Also, they have brown skin.
This is the bread of affliction. It is the simple bread our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt, Germany, and New Jersey before reaching the Promised Land of Washington, D.C. To those who are hungry due to budget cuts to food stamps, let them eat matzah, it’s enough—Dayenu!
THE FOUR QUESTIONS
All questions must be submitted in writing and will be answered with “I do not recall."
THE FOUR CHILDREN
The Torah instructs us to teach our children the story of Passover. The sages tell of four types of children:
The Wise Child — That’s Ivanka. We agreed she’d be the one to run for President.
The Wicked Child — Don Jr. His sycophantic tweets are embarrassing. Give it up Don, your father is never going to love you as much as he loves Ivanka.
The Simple Child — Also Don Jr. Big Donald says he has the worst judgment of anyone in the world.
A Second Simple Child —Eric. He got caught self-dealing and skimming from his charity. Maybe I should mentor him right after I broker Middle East peace.
Oh, and Tiffany.
A cup of water is placed on the table to honor the prophet Miriam. We embrace this modern Passover tradition as passionate supporters of women and congratulate the historic number of women elected to Congress this year. By the way, contrary to what AOC says, we believe people want to work for what they get. Look at us. We’ve worked for years climbing the corporate ladder at our fathers’ companies to become Senior White House advisors.
THE PASSOVER STORY
Now we retell the story of Passover: A Pharaoh came to power in Egypt who feared the Jews. He didn’t believe the Jews were loyal to Egypt and loyalty was extremely important to Pharaoh, more than a livable planet or three independent branches of government.
Pharaoh enslaved the Jews and forced them to make bricks for his tacky hotels and casinos. Then he issued a “Pharaoh-Order” mandating every Jewish male newborn be drowned in a concrete mixture that would be used to build a giant wall on his southern border. Pharaoh’s advisors all knew the wall was a huge waste of money, but Pharaoh was determined.
One Jewish mother resisted. She placed her baby in a tiny boat made of ancient “YES WE CAN” signs, remnants of a happier era, and set him afloat in the Nile, hoping he’d be saved. A sympathetic Egyptian named George Conway, married to Pharaoh’s wicked High Priestess, found the baby, named him Moses, and raised him as his own.
Eventually, Moses learned of his true family’s identity and tried to help the Jews. He leaked stories to the Egyptian press, spreading the truth about Pharaoh. This was very brave because Pharaoh considered the media “the enemy of the people,” and would have let the Saudis murder Moses if he was caught. That’s when God stepped in and visited ten terrible plagues upon Egypt. They were:
- Michael Moore
- Maggie Haberman
- John Oliver
- Rachel Maddow
- Maxine Waters
- Elijah Cummings
- Jerry Nadler
- Adam Schiff
- Nancy Pelosi
- The Southern District of New York’s Investigative Probe
Egyptians suffered greatly during these plagues. Everyone was being held accountable for their actions. Hannity’s rating fell lower than an Egyptian sand rat. Pharaoh couldn’t handle it. After each plague, Pharaoh agreed to let the Jews go. But once the plague disappeared, he’d tweet:
“FAKE NEWS got it wrong again — Jews know they r better off w/me than Moses. LOSER!!”
But amid great sorrow over the final and most devastating plague of the Southern District of New York’s Investigative Probe, Pharaoh relented. The Jews fled quickly into the desert without allowing their dough to rise. They were stuck with a dry, tasteless, constipation-invoking bread substitute instead — the first matzah.
EXPLANATION OF PASSOVER SYMBOLS
This shank bone represents the sacrificial lamb Jews slaughtered the night they left Egypt. This Passover we engrave the entire lamb skeleton with: O’ROURKE, BUTTIGIEG, SANDERS, BOOKER, CASTRO, DELANEY, SWALWELL, YANG, HICKENLOOPER, INSLEE, MESSAM, and RYAN.*
*No need to talk about the female candidates.
Some ancient Jewish sages believe the herbs symbolize bitter Americans who received a lower tax refund this year or owed more money due to the GOP’s tax reform. Others believe the herbs represent the shocked bitterness of the radical left collusion-truthers when the Mueller Report revealed no collusion. Either way, there’s plenty of bitterness.
A yummy mixture of apple, nuts, and cinnamon. After a long day of fleecing the country, Ivanka loves to kick off her heels, rest her cloven hooves, and indulge in this classic Passover favorite.
This egg symbolizes the rebirth of our nation. Through increased racial division, a vilified press, and abetted Russian interests, we’re making
ourselves America filthy rich great again!
We set aside a special cup of wine for the prophet Elijah. Legend says Elijah will return to Earth to lead the way for peace. Not really in a rush for this one, honestly. Foreign conflict is terrific at distracting the country from our domestic policy hellscape.
As we conclude our Seder, we give thanks to the Lord our God, who continues to bless us with unimaginable wealth and power. We take this as a sure sign from the Lord (couldn’t be clearer if he lit a bush on fire in front of our mansion) that he totally supports what we’re doing.
This year we’re here; next year we’re still going to be here — deal with it Snowflakes! #StillWinning