Hey dude! How’s it going?! It’s me, someone you vaguely remember from high school, and I wanted to check your interest in joining this pyramid scheme I got caught up in.

Wow. Feels like just yesterday we were in chemistry class sitting far away from each other and not talking because we weren’t friends. But before I get sidetracked reminiscing, I wanted to pitch you this incredibly shady business venture I got hoodwinked into. The product is simple: it’s some kind of weird tea or skincare product or cooking gadget.

I won’t explain the business model yet because if I did you would immediately close this message and call the Better Business Bureau. Here’s where I’m asking you to trust me, the guy who you might recall skipped gym class a lot to get high in the alley.

First, let me tell you about my personal journey with the product. I was looking for an easy way to make money and got roped into this because I’m an idiot. If you’ve seen my Instagram stories, you know I have nothing but positive things to say about this pyramid scheme. If you don’t watch my stories, that’s honestly understandable. We don’t even follow each other. Why would we?

Now, I have no idea what you’re up to these days because I’ve made zero effort to stay in touch, but the great thing about this pyramid scheme is that it can be done remotely and the hours are flexible. The only downside is that once you join, you are trapped until the sweet release of death.

Also, if it would make you feel better, I can stop calling it a pyramid scheme and start using alarmingly vague terms like “income opportunity” or “entrepreneurial endeavor.” That’s how I got hooked!

At this point, you’re probably wondering why I’m messaging you specifically. When choosing people I knew to be qualified business partners, I thought back to that time at prom where we stood together in line for the bathroom. If that anecdote doesn’t resonate, it’s because I’ve already contacted everyone I actually have a relationship with. Frankly, my key criteria for new potential investors has been reduced to “friends on Facebook” and “currently alive.”

In short, I’m in way over my head and would love to pull you down with me. Let me know if this sounds like an opportunity you’d be interested in!

Your Acquaintance from High School

P.S. Congrats on the baby or engagement if any of that stuff has happened yet for you.