Zeus, god of illegal fireworks, blimps, and pun-driven ad campaigns.

Hera, goddess of anyone who has stood on a street corner with a sign that begins HONK IF YOU LOVE ______.

Poseidon, god of inflatable baby pools and YA books for girls who love horses.

Demeter, goddess of organic vegetables, inorganic vegetables, and those plastic vegetables you find in the grocery store exhibit at a children’s museum.

Hestia, goddess of exposed brick interior walls.

Apollo, god of people who string up Christmas lights professionally, kazoos, and high school literary magazines.

Aphrodite, goddess of speed dating, America’s Next Top Model catch-phrases, and laser hair-removal Groupons.

Hermes, god of places that accept American Express.

Artemis, goddess of Craigslist, word search puzzles, and those raccoons living in your crawl space that you once called 911 on because you thought you “heard footsteps.”

Dionysus, god of Franzia and body glitter.

Athena, goddess of adult kickball leagues, people who have been reading Infinite Jest for the past ten months and are only on page 132, and Ric Rac.

Ares, god of kids who make it past their yellow belts in after-school karate.

Hades, god of pterodactyls, the old food pyramid, and AOL chat rooms, may they rest in peace.