According to the latest gambling lines from Las Vegas, the percentages listed below reflect the approximate likelihood of the following outcomes:

1. Trump will cease to be the president of the United States:

— Before January 20, 2021: 25%

— On January 20, 2021: 65%

— Never, technically, as he’ll reorganize the United States as the America Corporation, install himself as its permanent president and CEO, swiftly drive it into bankruptcy, and then auction it off piece by piece on live television: 5%

2. A member of the Trump campaign or the Trump administration:

— Will be convicted of a felony: 40%

— Will be indicted, flee the United States, and seek asylum in Russia: 5%

— Will turn out to be Sergey Kislyak in a Wilbur Ross mask: 1%

3. The FBI will find:

— That Russia interfered with the 2016 election, but that there is no evidence that Trump was aware of or colluded in these efforts: 50%

— That Russia interfered with the 2016 election, and that there is evidence that Trump knew of and colluded in these efforts: 50%

— That Trump and Putin are longtime best friends, and together hit on the plan to interfere with the election way back in 1982, while hanging out in a Leningrad discotheque, smoking amphetamine-laced cigarettes and dancing with prostitutes to “Abracadabra” by the Steve Miller Band: 5%, which is fairly high when you think about how specific and bizarre this scenario is. What does Vegas know that we don’t?

4. Trump will announce:

— That alien life forms exist: 5%

— That alien life forms exist and have visited Earth: 2.5%

— That alien life forms exist and have visited Earth and that Jared was born on the planet Kal-El: 2.5%

5. If Trump’s taxes are subpoenaed or otherwise released, they will show:

— That his net worth is not, as he claims, $10 billion, but a fraction of that amount: 75%

— That he is massively indebted to myriad foreign entities: 20%

— That he still has to pay off a shit-ton of student loans: 1%

6. During his tenure as President, Trump’s hair will become:

— Grayer: 15%

— Thinner: 20%

— Haunted by the ghosts of the golden-furred creatures bred and slaughtered to lend it the barest semblance of volume: 40%

7. If, whether by oath or polygraph or some other means, Trump is forced to tell the truth about how he maintains his trademark tan, he will admit he does so by:

— The frequent use of a tanning bed: 20%;

— The frequent use of a spray-tan machine: 60%;

— The frequent plunging of his face into a vat of melted Burnt Sienna Crayolas: 20%

8. If the Moscow Ritz video described in the Steele Dossier is released, it will show:

— Trump performing sex acts: 5%

— Trump bragging about how good he is at performing sex acts: 85%

9. The @realDonaldTrump Twitter account will be:

— Abandoned by Trump: 5%

— Suspended by Twitter: 0.5%

— Spontaneously transformed into an airborne toxin that wilts plants: 3%

10. Trump will ban or attempt to ban:

— One or more forms of protected speech: 30%

— One or more forms of protected religious practice: 10%

— Anyone from saying anything bad about Don Jr.: 55%

11. During the Trump administration, Eric Trump will be offered:

— A cabinet post: 10%

— An ambassadorship: 10%

— Bribes: 100%

12. Ivanka Trump will:

— Emerge as her father’s good angel, inspiring him to govern with reverence and humility, and to never forget that civilization is a fragile human construct, one that must be guarded with vigilance and sustained by an abiding respect for the dignity of all mankind: 50%

— Take to wandering the West Wing after midnight — sometimes in a rumpled Ivanka shirtdress, sometimes in an ill-fitting Ivanka stretch poplin top — mumbling, sobbing, laughing maniacally, and compulsively scrubbing her hands: 50%

13. The first Republican to call for Trump to resign:

— Will be Mitch McConnell: 0%

— Will be Paul Ryan: 0%

— Will be a sane and logical and not necessarily courageous person, who will rightly conclude that taking a stand against Trump is not only the best thing for the country, but also the best way — indeed, the only way — to salvage his or her own political future: 50%

— Will do so only after it becomes clear that Trump’s resignation is imminent: 50%

14. Donald Trump’s presidential memoirs will be:

— Entitled The Art of the Leader: How I Made America Great Again: 5%

— Riddled with “alternative facts”: 95%

— Written by someone other than Donald Trump: 100%

15. The Trump Presidential Library will:

— Be located in New York: 50%

— Be located in Florida: 50%

— Feature a “tremendously classy” gentlemen’s club: 10%

16. During his time in office, Trump will declare war on:

— One nation: 75%

— Two nations: 50%

— Three or more nations: 25%

— Decency and truth: betting closed

17. The world will end:

— With a bang: 25%

— With a whimper: 25%

— With a tweet from Trump sent into a silent, rubble strewn, irradiated and depopulated world, saying, basically, that it’s all Obama’s fault: 25%, and every day it seems more likely