Hey. I hear you think you have pretty good taste in movies. That’s not your fault. Maybe you’ve never been told any different. That’s why I, a guy who took one film class in college, am here to tell you that you’re wrong. Only one good kind of film exists, and it’s the kind the internet has to explain to you.

Let me ask you a question. Why would you want to watch something with a universally relatable theme and a plot that’s easy to follow? Maybe it’s just me, but I think we should always be challenging ourselves intellectually. You see, the thing you have to understand about storytelling is that the more convoluted it is, the better.

Anyone can make a movie that’s easy to understand; it takes a real artist to tell a story that’s not only unsettling but also confusing and two and a half hours long. The way I look at it is this: a film should be like a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. In that puzzle, it’s okay if there are a couple of pieces missing as long as there are some extra, unnecessary pieces in there to throw you off course and prove to you that the person who made this puzzle is also familiar with other puzzles.

What I’m saying is all films should be good in the way that they are not at all enjoyable to watch. I could give you some examples, but I don’t want to bore you with my long list of favorites. I’ll just point you in the direction of my Letterboxd account. It’s nothing really, just something I do in my free time. Yeah, I write a 1500-word review for every film I watch. I guess I’m prolific.

And, again, maybe it’s just me, but I feel like everything is so cookie-cutter these days. Superhero this. Sequel that. Sure, let’s make the dog the lead again. Everyone’s afraid to take risks. Am I the only one who’s saying this? I feel like I’m the only one who’s brave enough to say this.

Whatever happened to walking away from the screen feeling like you need a full college course on what just happened? A college course like the one I took. In college. A Reddit thread is also fine. Anyway, that’s the experience I want. One where you don’t even feel remotely satisfied with your viewing experience until you’ve read multiple analyses, had several imaginary conversations with the director, and taken to Twitter to act like you understood everything on first watch.

Also, call me old school, but I think films are meant to be watched on the big screen. Then, later, on the small screen so many times that when you try to talk to me about the film after you’ve watched it, I can immediately talk over you because I know more about it than you do, and you can’t argue with that because you’ve only seen it once and haven’t read any internet analyses.

And look, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion here. It’s just that if you’re not willing to spend several hours of your life unpacking a film that you didn’t even enjoy watching, I’m not so sure you understand what makes a film good.

What’s that? Name a female director? Haha, weird, I’m totally blanking right now. Uh. Give me a minute?