You have the right to remain silent. In fact, it’s encouraged. What are women always blabbing about? It’s like, “Blah blah blah, pay me equally. Blah blah blah, human rights. Blah blah blah, my boyfriend is sitting there.” Can we not have a single moment of silence? What’s a man gotta do to hear himself think about Tiffany Amber Thiessen circa 1994?

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Also, everything you do can and will be used against you. Every short skirt you wear, every Smirnoff Ice you drank in college, every use of the wink emoji, every time you asked for help with a jar, that thing you just did with your mouth… there! You just did it again — every one of these things will be used to paint you as either a slut who was asking for it, a frigid bitch who was asking for it, or worse, a woman who was actually asking for something.

You have the right to an attorney. You also have the right to be an attorney, but you will not be paid as much as your male counterparts. You have the right to have sex with an attorney, but not to an abortion if you get pregnant with the attorney’s baby. Depending on your employer, you may have the right to not be an attorney for the time it takes your body to heal, but there is no guarantee you won’t be replaced by a younger, hotter attorney once you’re a pile of loose attorney skin. Male attorneys have the right to Supreme Court seats and taking that away from them is a federal crime.

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Of course, a woman has the right to refuse to be provided for, and that means she is a lesbian. If a straight woman can provide for herself, it is her legal responsibility to make her husband feel as though he is providing for her, despite the fact that he may be sitting home all day playing Red Dead Redemption on the PS4 Slim she bought for him.

Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? Or do you need me to explain them again? It’s no problem at all, I love explaining things to women. Did you know that biologically, male brains evolved to be better at math and engineering while women’s brains evolved to be better at decoding baby sounds and washing ketchup stains out of extra-large T-shirts? One isn’t better than the other, they’re just different.

With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me? It doesn’t matter. I’m going to talk to you anyway.