Congratulations, you’re a bride! Even though today is mostly about your mom showing off to her frenemy Sharon, there’s still a lot riding on you. It can sometimes be hard to think under this amount of pressure, so just memorize these seven phrases and you’ll be fine.
1. “It’s so good to see you. Thanks for coming!”
Say this classic to everyone the second they start talking to you. They need to know that it’s good to see them and be thanked for coming. Throw in a handshake or hug, depending on your comfort level. Think you’ve said it to that person before? You absolutely have. But say it again, just to be safe.
2. “I do.”
This is great to say when someone asks whether you want/need something, and you do. Do you want a glass of champagne? Do you take this man as your husband? Do you want me to stop Sharon from trying to sneak a peek at the reception hall? “I do” works for them all. If someone hits you with an open-ended question, just stare at them until they go away or start naming shit you might want. You’re the goddamn bride; they’ll figure it out.
3. “No thanks, I’m good.”
This counter phrase to “I do” is perfect for when someone asks whether you want/need something, and you don’t. Do you need me to do anything? “No thanks, I’m good.” Do you want me to stress pace with you since the best man just told a strip club story in front of Nana? “No thanks, I’m good.” Do you want coffee to sober up from all that champagne? “No thank, I’m god.” Whatever, you’re drunk; it’s close enough.
4. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Have this phrase ready for any code reds you hear about, of which there will be at least five. Like when the ceremony is about to start, and no one can find fucking Linda. She’s supposed to be officiating, and she’s fucked off to Neverland. Now Sharon is smirking in the corner, and your mom’s eyes are desperately pleading with you to magically make Linda appear. Well, your mom is going to have to look at Sharon’s shit-eating grin a little longer, because you’re not fucking Tinkerbell, and the wedding planner is probably already on top of it. Oh, she’s not? “Are you fucking kidding me?”
5. “I’m not nervous—we’ve been fucking for years.”
This little beauty will shut up anyone who dares wink at you and say, “So, tonight’s the night, huh?” It will also hopefully discourage them from ever saying bullshit like this to an adult woman in this century ever again.
6. “If you shove that fucking cake in my face,
I will annul this bitch, and everyone can fuck-off home.”
This phrase is best whispered with a smile to your now husband as he prepares to shove cake in your face. You’ve been up since 6:30 a.m. getting your hair and make-up done and re-done. You haven’t eaten all day because you put on a few stress pounds and your dress barely fits. Your husband rolled out of bed at noon, threw on a suit, and has been drinking bourbon with his merry groomsmen all day. Now the photographer is grinning like an idiot and gesturing that you shove the cake in each other’s faces because it will be such a “cute and fun memory.” Repeat this phrase if needed.
7. “I’m going to bed. We’ll do it in the morning.”
Use this to get out of sex on your wedding night. It’s been a long-ass day. You saw the look on your mom’s face when she said goodbye to Sharon, so you know it was a great success. You’re exhausted and can damn well consummate tomorrow. After all, you’ve been fucking for years.