I hear a lot of pie-in-the-sky utopian BS about education and equity and having an actual building that shields children from the elements. But when will parents and bleeding-heart liberals realize that the only way to save public education in this country is to turn every elementary, middle, and high school from Portland to San Francisco, from Pittsburgh to Iowa City, into high-end condos?

How else can we be expected to handle HVAC upgrades, remove asbestos tiles and lead water lines, and make much-needed improvements to accessibility? The sooner you realize the only way to make school buildings ADA-compliant is to turn them into 8K-per-month luxury apartments, the faster we can all move forward.

You wouldn’t believe how much money developers are offering for those art deco, prewar, and mid-mod era schools. You know how if you live in a gentrifying neighborhood, you get calls from people trying to con you out of your house for like 30 percent of market value? Well, guess what—those guys are calling about schools too. And money talks, especially when it’s 27.5 percent of market value and belongs to the public.

Can’t you see this makes sense? Can’t you see shelves that currently hold children’s salt dough sculptures housing a whisky (not sic) collection? A flatscreen in place of the “All About Me” pinboard? Pelotons in the school gym instead of overflow music and social studies classes?

Don’t worry; many kids will get pulled out for private schools or charters, or their parents will say, “Welp, I guess we’re moving to the burbs.” The kids left behind? We’ll toss them in some trailers on a brownfield. They’ll be fine. And honestly, why should we care if their own parents can’t be bothered to pull them out of a failing district? Plus, the 25 percent of market value that the developers pay goes straight into public school coffers. That’s some serious trailer money.

You don’t like progress? You don’t like better public schools because we’ve closed the public schools that were taking so many resources? Let’s see you balance a school district’s budget without turning all its buildings into elegant townhomes.

No, you’re being impractical.

It’s not like the buildings will disappear. Just instead of a school building that has belonged to the public for nine decades, they’ll be chic Euro-style flats for people with tech jobs. You’ll still see them—every day on your commute to an overpriced parochial school of a faith you don’t share. And you can marvel at the way the developers preserved the building’s sense of playfulness by incorporating a bespoke beer pong table in the kindergarten herb garden and turning the playground into a climbing gym. The buildings will act as a monument for something that used to be publicly owned and dedicated to America’s future but is now and forever dedicated to sleek marble countertops and one-, two-, and three-bedroom floor plans.

Please don’t act like it won’t benefit the youth. Where else are twenty-three-year-olds with CEO fathers going to live?

I don’t get why you’re so upset about this. It’s clear—if every school building in America is not turned into opulent private studios, urban maisonettes, or, at the very minimum, vibrant live-work spaces, American public education will fail. You don’t want it to fail, do you? To fix the public education problem now and forever, we simply have to transform every public school in the nation into a self-supporting, exclusive, high-class, upscale, artisanally retrofit private oasis with top-notch resort-style amenities and an elevated boutique feel.

Anyway, we’re in talks to sell the entirety of American public school buildings as a lot for a cool 19 percent of market value. Don’t worry, you don’t need to vote on this. It’s pretty much a done deal. Public education is saved.