The temperature is climbing, the flowers are poking their little heads out of the dirt, and soon the sidewalk will be riddled with nothing but exposed feet. Yes, feet season is coming. It’s time to prepare.
It’s likely been a while since you’ve seen any feet up close, including your own, so it’s best to begin your preparations gradually. You can start by looking at hands. Hands are a bit like feet, except much more beautiful.
After familiarizing yourself with hands, let’s move on to toes. Not actual toes. God no. We’re not ready for that yet. But a baby carrot is shaped like a toe. Try looking at one of those. No, don’t eat it. It’s for demonstration purposes only. Do. Not. Eat—oh, fine, but just that one.
Now that you’ve looked at some hands and had a snack, you’re ready to look at some feet. Specifically, your own feet. Start by locating your toes. How do they look? Not so good? Stop, don’t shove them back inside your boots. It’s not boot season anymore. It’s feet season, and we’ll get through this together.
Look at your baby toe. Could you spare a little empathy for the baby toe? It’s just a baby, after all.
Time is running out. We have to expose these little piggly wigglies to the air soon. See, your feet have been neglected, shoved up in your boots for far too long, and now they’re clamoring to come out. If you listen closely, you can hear their faint yet demanding whispers.
Let me out.
I want to play.
It’s feet season.
Yes, your feet know what time of year it is. Feet have a highly calibrated internal clock located deep inside the middle phalanges. They know, and they’re ready. They want to come out and socialize with all the other feet, unfortunately.
Feet love to pass other feet on the street and go wild at the unique foot pheromones that other feet give off. Occasionally, this gets the feet so worked up that they quicken their pace and step on the back of a sandal. This is just one of the many hazards of feet season that you must look out for.
But let’s not worry about that now. That’s a problem for later feet. It’s time to begin the final stage of feet season preparations: making your feet presentable. Start by running your fingers around the sides of your toenails to see what you unearth. It’s best not to linger on what you find. Toss the debris aside immediately and move on.
Once they’re cleaned up, you’ll notice your toes wiggling with glee. Be careful! The toenails are sharp. You have to cut those sharp edges off and dispose of the clippings in a responsible fashion so that no one gets sliced. When you’re ready, schedule an appointment with the city. They will send a titanium truck to pick up the clippings and transport them to a secure location for disposal.
If you don’t want to go through the hassle of preparing for feet season, there is an alternative. You could simply choose not to look down for the next six months, at your feet or anyone’s feet, until it’s boot season again.
Up to you.
Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether you’re ready or not. The feet are coming out to play.