In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Buys Sex, Goes Drinking at Asgard, and Learns about the Time When Odin Instigated the Cosmological Frost Giant Genocide
So way back, n’ I mean way fuckin’ back like we’re talkin’ ‘bout befohr the Pilgrims even knew what a fuckin’ Mayflowah even fuckin’ was, there was this guy Gylfi. Now this guy Gylfi, he was the king’ah Sweden even though Sweden wasn’t even a real country back then, yah know, it was all just sohrtah this big fuckin’ fahrest full’ah all these nahthuhn Gehrmanic tribes n’ reindee’ahs n’ all sohrts’ah weird fuckin’ little gnomes n’ shit.
But anyway though, so this guy Gylfi he goes n’ he fucks this really hot gihrl ‘cause he’s the king, yah know, n’ that’s what kings do, least till some hot-tempah’d colonial brawlahs staht drinkin’ too much out in the westuhrn ‘buhrbs n’ fi’ah’n’ off rounds at the king’s men anyway. But Gylfi he didn’t have any colonials tah preoccupy him with n’ so he just went ahead n’ he fucked this gihrl but even though he’s the king don’t mean he don’t alsah have tah pay her on accoun’ah her being some sohrtah magical goddess ah somethin’.
So what he does is he lets her take her magic oxen n’ those oxen they go n’ they plow out this huge fuckin’ strip’ah land right next tah Stockholm n’ then they go n’ they plop it right down in the watah in the southuhn paht’ah the Baltic n’ that ends up bein’ where Copenhagen is now today. Now beats the fuck outtah me why this goddess would want tah plow Sweden in ohrdah to create some sohrt’ah new island fah her payment that she doesn’t even wannah fuckin’ live on herself. I mean, she’s a fuckin’ goddess right? So why the fuck’s she even whohrin’ herself out tah the king’ah some country that don’t even exist yet anyway in the fihrst fuckin’ place? Beats the fuck outtah me, but whatevah, I guess yah just gottah go with it, yah know.
But on accoun’ah his havin’ fucked her, King Gylfi now he’s stahtin’ tah get tah wondah’n’ ‘bout the rest’ah the wohrld n’ how come the gods know so much mohr ‘bout it than the rest’ah us nahmal people do. So he goes n’ walks the full 264 smoots n’ an ea’ah ‘cross the rivah on ovah tah Asgard but befohr he goes inside he knows he’s gottah put on a disguise n’ come up with some sortah fake name ‘cause, yah know, he’s the king n’ now he’s ‘bout tah entah some local bah where evuhryone knows his real fuckin’ name.
So he goes n’ he’s walkin’ up Mass Ave n’ he gets tah the address n’ there’s this fuckin’ street pahfohrmah outside who’s jugglin’ sworhds n’ tryin’ tah hit Gylfi up fah some spahr change fah bus faihr ‘cause he’s tryin’ tah get ovah tah the medical centah where his 15-year old daughtah’s just gone intah labah but Gylfi he just ignohrs this guy n’ instead he walks right on in n’ he goes up tah the bah n’ tells ‘em his name is Gangleri, as though that’s like a real fuckin’ bettah name. I mean, if he’d really been thinkin’ ‘bout it, he’d’ah said his name was like fuckin’ I don’t know, Sean O’Malley ah some shit that no one’s even gonnah think twice ‘bout. But fuckin’ Gangleri? I don’t even know how tah fuckin’ prahnounce that shit.
So anyway now there’s like 3 bahtendahs back there behind the bah which seems kindah like a lot fah it bein’ the middle’ah the aftahnoon on a weekday but turhns out these ahrn’t just yah nahmal evuhryday bahtendahs but instead they’re actually 3 fuckin’ appahritions n’ the whole thing might even just be takin’ place in O’Malley’s own fuckin’ head n’ that bein’ the possible case then I’m gonnah just keep on callin’ him O’Malley since I don’t cahr fah this Gangleri bullshit n’ if yah don’t like it then well yah can go n’ fuck yahself fah all I cahr ‘cause I’m the one who’s doin’ the stahry-tellin’ here n’ I don’t need some fuckin’ snob from Cambridge tellin’ me how tah tell my own goddamned stahry. Yah fuckin’ got me?
So anyway one’ah these bahtendahs asks this O’Malley chahractah just what the fuck he wants n’ he says he wants tah talk tah someone smahrt ‘bout the way how things wohrk n‘ fah some reason this pisses the fuck off outtah that bahtendah n‘ he prahceeds tah grab fuckin’ O’Malley by his collah like he’s gonna beat the livin‘ shit outtah him if he don’t back down. But then I guess he realizes he just ovahreacted ah somethin’ ‘cause then he goes n‘ he lets go’ah O’Malley n’ he stahts lettin’ him ask ‘em whatevah questions he fuckin’ feels like.
Now at this point O’Malley, he goes n’ he launches intah the wohrld’s wohrst evah fuckin’ game’ah 20 questions in the entiyah fuckin’ histahry’ah the entiyah fuckin’ wohrld, n‘ it’s not like I’m just sayin’ that ‘cause I don’t like the game itself ah nothin.’ It’s not like that at all. N’ it’s not like this is just some fun round’ah pub triveer ah somethin’ eithah. It’s fuckin’ O’Mally is what it is. Fuckin’ O’Mally, that fuckin’ fuck, he prahceeds tah spend the entiyah rest of the evenin’ drillin’ these poohr bastahds with fuckin’ like 6324 questions, not fuckin’ 20. I mean Jesus Fuckin’ Christ, can yah believe this guy? It’s like he’s askin’ the poohr bahtendahs tah provide the answahs tah the fuckin’ F.A.Q. from fuckin’ hell from fuckin’ 3000 years ago. N’ I’m not just sayin’ that, yah know, I mean this guy he lit’rally goes on n’ on n’ he just does not fuckin’ stop. So I’m gonnah spahr yah the monotony ‘cause fuckin’ shit, I don’t think eithah of us could handle it at this point.
But tah get on with it, the fihrst thing yah gottah know is, ‘cause it’s the fihrst thing fuckin’ O’Malley wants tah know, is that there’s this guy Odin n’ he’s the guy who’s fuckin’ in chahge’ah evuhrything, n’ when I say evuhrything, I mean fuckin’ evuhrything. N’ Odin here, he’s got a shit-ton’ah othah names as well n’ if yah really that bo’h’d yah can go n’ look ‘em up fah yah fuckin’ self but the main thing tah know is that he’s the top fuckin’ dog in the mind’ah a viking even if he’s alsah kindah a creepy bastahd who poked his own eye out n’ wandahs ‘round in the middle’ah the night talkin’ tah a couple deranged fuckin’ bihrds that he wears on his shouldahs like a fuckin’ freak who got just lost on his way out tah Cahvah tah ‘ttend King Richie’s fuckin’ faihre.
But fuckin’ whatevah, that’s Odin n’ we’ll come back tah him latah but fah now we’re gonnah stick tah talkin’ ‘bout the beginnin’ah the wohrld. So back in the beginnin’ there wasn’t even a single fuckin’ thing. All there was was this big ass abyss called Ginnungagap that swallowed everything up like it thought it was the budget fah the big fuckin’ dig. N’ well actually that’s not entiyah’ly true ‘cause alsah in addition tah Ginnungagap there were actually these two othah places as well n’ one’em’s called Niflheim n’ that place is coldah ‘en Quebec, n’ the other place is this place called Muspellsheim where it’s hottah ‘en hell.
So now this Ginnungagap thing, it’s somewhere between Muspellsheim and Niflheim and somehow the heat from Muspellsheim ends up meltin’ the ice in Niflheim and this creates a biggah fuckin’ mess ‘en the snow heaves thawin’ in Mahch on the side’ah the fuckin’ road aftah a hahsh fuckin’ wintah. So now yah got this big slushy fuckin’ mess n’ next thing yah know a giant comes outtah it. I fuckin’ sweahr on my grandfathah’s grave I’m not makin’ this shit up. That fuckin’ snowmelt revealed a fuckin’ giant who was buhried in it ah whatevah n’ his name’s Ymir n’ he’s a real fuckin’ mean prick.
So now this Ymir guy, he sweats a hell’ah a lot n’ whenevah he’s sleepin’ at night he drips out so much fuckin’ sweat outtah his legs n’ ahmpits that it’s like a fuckin’ tahrential downpouhr’ah nasty ass giant sweat floodin’ the fens instead’ah actual stohmwatah n’ so yah can just imagine the sohrt’ah hahrendous mold prahblems any poohr bastahd livin’ at gahden level’s gottah deal with when that shit finally fuckin’ recedes. But anyway, somehow all that giant sweat, it just ends up becomin’ mohr frost giants, yah know, like somehow that sweat just tuhrned intah giants on its own. Don’t ask me fuckin’ how, I’m not a fuckin’ physicist ah biologist ah evolutionahry scientist ah whatevah, I’m just tellin’ yah how it is.
But bein’ that these bastahds were bohrn right outtah Ymir’s fuckin’ sweat, they all end up takin’ aftah him which means they’re all alsah a bunch’ah mean fuckin’ pricks ‘emselves n’ so basic’ly what yah got here now is an entiyah fuckin’ race’ah inbred giant assholes made outtah magical sweat that ain’t even fuckin’ human.
N’ Ymir—n’ I’m presumin’ all his fuckin’ frost giant sweat children too ‘cept I don’t really know ‘cause the ahriginal authah’ah this stahry, he’s got ‘bout as much trouble bein’ consistent with himself as the fuckin’ green line, so unless yah considah bein’ consistently inconsistent tah be fuckin’ consistent, then yah gonnah just have tah bare with me on this one. Not tah mention there’s all sohrts’ah fuckin’ gaps in the ahriginal authah’s nahhrative flow n’ it makes me wannah punch a fuckin’ hole in the wall. Last time I did that it was ovah at the rink in Malden when we lost a huge fuckin’ battle fah the men’s league b-level championship game n‘ then the fuckin‘ management fined the team tah pay fah the damages, n’ I had tah eat that one on my own, yah know, since I’s the one who did it, but still it fuckin’ sucked.
But gettin’ back tah Ymir, so this guy subsisted on the milk’ah this huge ass magical cow that alsah just so happened tah fuckin’ emehrge from the meltin’ ice’ah Ginnungagap just like Ymir did himself. Now this cow, she stahts lickin’ up all that ice that hasn’t melted yet, ‘cause I mean she’s a fuckin’ cow right, so she needs her fuckin’ salt lick n’ so when she does this fah long ‘nough she eventually licks away ‘nough ice tah free this othah guy who was somehow fuckin’ buhried in there.
Now this guy he manages tah have a son somehow n’ his son, he’s fuckin’ horhniah ‘en Tigah Woods on viagra, n’ so soon as he gets a chance he goes off n’ he stahts fuckin’ any frost giant he can get his dick neahr. So this guy ends up with a bunch’ah bastahd sons one’ah whom is our deahr fuckin’ weird-ass friend Odin who I was just tellin’ yah ‘bout sevral pahragraphs ago.
Now Odin, he n’ his brothahs, they don’t get along so well with Ymir, n’ like I was sayin’, Ymir’s a mean fuckin’ prick anyway, n’ so Odin n’ his brothahs, they just go n’ they fuckin’ muhrdah the bastahd on the spot without even thinkin’ twice ‘bout it, n’ Ymir, him bein’ the big guy that he is, he bleeds like a mothahfuckah n’ all his blood basic’ly drowns n’ kills all those othah fuckin’ frost giants that had stahted out as his own sweat ‘cept fah one. N’ that one guy bein‘ the sole suhvivah’ah this whole genocidal flood ends up bein‘ the sole son’ah a bitch responsible fah repopulatin‘ the wohrld with even mohr frost giants, n’ I don’t know how the fuck that wohrked without there bein’ some othah female frost giant fah him tah procreate with, all I know is that howevah it transpiyah’d, it had tah have been fuckin‘ incestuous.
Ah sweaty. It might’ah been fuckin’ sweaty, but eithah way, it was a real fuckin’ downah fah the rest’ah us.