In Which King Gylfi
of Sweden Learns
About the Time
When Thor Lost
a Drinking Contest.
So now Thor n’ Loki n’ the two child-slaves get off the T n ‘they go n’ they walk down Ahlington Street till they get tah this huge fuckin’ castle a block from the fuckin’ pike but thing is, it looks like there’s no one even there since it’s aftah hours ah whatevah. I mean I guess maybe it’s the middle’ah the night ah somethin’, I don’t really know, I gottah be honest I don’t really get how daylight savings time wohrks in Giant Land but point is the place looks quietah ‘en the Cape in fuckin’ wintah.
N’ so yah know Thor, he’s a real big guy n’ so he’s stahvin’ fah a fuckin’ steak by now n’ so he decides tah go on up tah the front doohr n’ threaten tah klll the giants with his hammah if they don’t let him in n’ give him a fuckin’ ribeye on the fuckin’ spot but ah’couhrse no one even answahs n’ so he’s stuck tryin’ to fohrce it open n’ he can’t fuckin’ do it since it’s welded shut with giant magic ‘cause Thor ain’t the fihrst guy tah show up at their doohr beggin’ fah food. But bein’ giants on all, the doohr’s fuckin’ giant, n’ so Thor n’ Loki n’ the slaves ahr able tah just slip right on through through the metal bahs anyway n’ I don’t know why they didn’t just try that in the fihrst fuckin’ place.
So now they’re inside now n’ it’s this big fuckin’, elegant mead hall n’ cle’ahly it was designed from the outset as a place fah practicin’ fightin’ n’ battle fohmations n’—
Hey, alright! Look at that—we gottah powah play! Come on guys, don’t fuck it up!
So yeah, yah know so those guys they find ‘emselves in this huge fuckin’ meadhall now n’ the place is crawlin’, n’ I mean fuckin’ crawlin’ with giants n’ yah can imagine how comf’table this makes Thor feel since his day job is tah fuckin’ muhrdah these guys. I mean sehriously, he kills ‘em fah’ah livin’. It’s just what he fuckin’ does. But they alsah got tons’ah liqu’ah in there which make him happy since—
Ohhh!!!! Shit! Man, that was close…
… come on, come on, somebody take a fuckin’ shot…
Yeah! Ah, almost…
Oh they’re doin’ the replay. Shit man, look at that, the puck’s rollin’ like a motharfuckah, no wondah Krejci missed the net. Shit…
Alright guys, alright, let’s set it up… come on… oh come on!!! Get it in the fuckin’ zone fah Christ’s sake!
Ok…good…good shot… yes! No!… shit… man, we just can’t sco’ah…
What was it we were talkin’ ‘bout ‘gain?
Oh yeah right, Thor n’ the giants n’ the castle, how could I fuckin’ fahget. So now there’s this guy there, Utgarda-Loki, n’ he’s the king’ah the giants n’—
No, I don’t know why his name’s so similah tah Loki’s n’, truth be told, if yah need a logical explanation for this kind’ah shit at this point in this fuckin’ shitshow’ah a stahry, I’ll punch right yah in the fuckin’ face. I fuckin’ mean it too, I put a hole in the wall ovah at the rink in Malden.
Goddamn, we’re gettin’ low on beehr ‘gain.
Anyway, so back tah this Utgarda-Loki guy, so he’s a real asshole n’ so he sees Thor n’ he’s like “Damn, Thor, yah fuckin’ small!” N’ he yells it all the way ‘cross the room like that. He’s just like, “Thor, yah dumbfuck, yah fuckin’ tiny, yah tiny fuckin’ stupid god! N’ what the fuck yah doin’ in my house anyway yah fuckin—”
Huh? Sahrry, sahrrrrryyyyyyy Chelsseeeea—yeah, nah, I’ll keep it down. Just tellin’ my buddy here ‘bout Thor’s all.
Nah, sehriously, sahrry, bout that. Hey Chelsea, since you’re ovah here, can we alsah get anothah pitchah?
Fuckin’ anyway though, nahmally, yah just don’t say shit like that tah Thor without gettin’ yah ass beat like a fuckin’ Montreal fan on Lansdowne Street on Saint Patty’s Day, but this Utgarda-Loki guy is one big mothahfuckah n’ he’s got a lot’ah guys with him n’ so Thor’s sehriously outnumbah’d n’ the only guys backin’ him up ahr a fuckin’ fiend n’ a couple’ah malnourished adolescents.
So then Utgarda-Loki’s like, “Alright, so what ahr yah guys good at?” ‘Cause anyone who visits his meadhall has tah compete in somethin’ tah try n’ prove ‘emselves. It’s like a fohm’ah entahtainment fah fuckin’ giants I guess. Kindah fuckin’ weihrd if yah ask me but then giant’s ahren’t known fah not bein’ a bunchah fuckin ‘retahds anyway.
So Loki’s like, “Hey, I can eat food real fast.”
Big fuckin’ deal right? But Utgarda-Loki goes fah it n’ so they bring out a pig’s trough full’ah meat on the bone n’ Loki n’ this othah giant guy, they each go tah one end’ah it n’ they prahceed tah fuckin’ attack that pile’ah meat like a couple’ah sumo wrestlahs at an all yah can eat buffet. So they teahr right through it, n’ end up meetin’ each othah ‘bout halfway down the middle’ah the trough n’ it would’ah been a tie ‘cept fah the fact that this giant guy, he alsah ate all the bones n’ Loki, he only ate the meat, so he fuckin’ lost.
So next Utgarda-Loki asks that little shit prick kid who ate Thor’s goats’ bone mahrrow what he’s good at n’ he’s like, “I’m a fast runnah.” N’ so Utgarda-Loki picks out one’ah his guys tah race this kid n’ they race n’ it’s bohrin’ n’ the kid fuckin’ loses n’ who cahrs.
So now it’s Thor’s tuhrn n’ yah know how Thor is, he’s all like, “MY NAME IS THOR AND I AM WICKED GOOD AT DRINKING BOOZE.”
So Utgarda-Loki gives Thor this big-ass horhn full’ah beehr ah mead n’ then he prahceeds tah fuckin’ taunt Thor ‘bout it. He’s like, “Fuckin’ anyone can down this thing in 3 tries, some can do it in 2, but if yah can do it in just 1, well then that’d be somethin’ tah see.”
Now as I been sayin’, Thor’s basic’ly a highly accomplished alcoholic n’ so he thinks he’s got this no problem n’ so he stahts tah chug his beehr like a true fuckin’ champion, n’ I sweahr, yah’d ah thought he’d chugged an entiyah keg in one go, but soon as he comes up fah aihr, it’s like he’s only just been nuhrsin’ the thing like a teenage gihrl on her fihrst night out.
So he tries a couple mohr times n’ if it’d been yah ah me, we’d ah fuckin’ blacked out at this point n’ be lyin’ on the ground in a pool’ah our own fuckin’ vomit gettin’ the shit kicked out’ah us by a bunch’ah fuckin’ assholes. But Thor man, he can hold his liquah but still when he came up it was like he’d hahdly even touched his drink, which is fucked up. I mean yah could tell he’d had some, but it still looked like he’d hahdly even touched it. I mean that nevah happens, not with Thor it doesn’t.
But Utgarda-Loki, he fuckin’ loves this n’ so he’s rubbin’ it in n’ is like, “That was fuckin’ pathetic!” N’ then he offahs Thor a chance tah redeem himself at anothah contest n’ Thor’s pretty much on the brink’ah blackin’ out at this point n’ he doesn’t even know where the fuck he is anymohr ah what the fuck he’s sayin’ n’ so he’s just like, “Alright, sounds good tah me.”