Now gettin’ back tah King Olaf, thing is, he didn’t staht out as out as a wicked good model’ah upstandin’ Christian mohrals duhring those dahk medieval days’ah fucked up feudal Europe. I mean this was back befohr he went all fuckin’ Pat Robertson on Nahway’s ass, so yah know, he was fuckin’ doin’ things like pahtakin’ in ahcane heathen fuckin’ rituals in Russia n’ tehrrorizin’ the livin’ shit outtah the local Slavic population with his Swedish buddies, who were still known fahr their neutrality even back then, but fahr reasons that had mohr to do with the fact that they didn’t really have a real unified nation yet’ah their own as opposed tah havin’ a pacifistic view on modehrn fuckin’ wahrfahre.
Anyway, point is the guy’s livin’ it up like any true hahdco’ah Viking sinnah would, but eventually he stahts gettin’ tah thinkin’, “Hey, yah know, bein’ as I could be the king’ah fuckin’ Nahway one day, maybe I should staht tah try n’ be a bit mohr ambitious.” N’ so that’s when he decides tah set off fahr England so as tah join up with Svein Forkbeard on his mission tah try n’ sack London n’ buhrn down the famous fuckin’ bridge.
So he’s on his way now n’ he stops off at Wendland — which is in Germany fahr those’ah yah that don’t know geography—where he meets this fuckin’ goon named Thangbrand. N’ fuckin’ Thangbrand, man, this guy was pretty much the definition of a religous nutjob. Like fahr stahtahs, he was devout as fuck, which means that he didn’t sweahr any n’ nevah missed a Sunday mass, but sometimes he just straight up killed people without a second thought. N’ honestly, I think he had a fucked up childhood. I mean he grew up assistin’ a bishop out in Saxony — not Saxonville, just tah avoid any confusion there — n’ this was fuckin’ way, way, way befohr the Globe uncovah’d the whole child abuse scandal so who knows what the hell happened tah poohr Thangbrand when he was a kid. But whatevah ‘cause at any rate he turned out pretty fucked up.
Now Olaf didn’t know this ‘bout the guy when they fihrst met n’ it didn’t really mattah anyway since he was mainly supah impressed with this shield that Thangbrand had. Basic’ly, the reason the shield was so special was that it had a pictuh’ah the crucifixion on it n’ images’ah the crucifixion were ‘bout as sexy n’ fashionable in those days as Apple products ahr in ours. It’s just always been all about the branding.
But anyway, these guys get tah drinkin’ n’ befohr yah know it Thangbrand is sellin’ Olaf on the advantages’ah livin’ a supah r’austee’ah monotheistic lifestyle. N’ despite bein’ a fuckin’ hahdheaded son’ah a bitch, he could smooth talk like the best’ah ‘em. I mean this was like watchin’ a fuckin’ highly adept womanizah chahm the pants off a pretty gihrl at the bah who aftah 30 fuckin’ yee’ahs still doesn’t recognize who she’s dealin’ with, only in this case Olaf kept his pants on despite all the sweet fathah, son, n’ holy ghost talk, but he did buy the shield off Thangbrand n’ promise tah help him out if evah he were tah need any help in the future.
So these two guys go their separate ways n’ Olaf sails on ovah the rest’ah the way tah England where he raids like the insane Nahwegian mothahfuckah that he was bohrn tah be when one day he ends up on the Isles’ah Scilly n’ has his fohrtune told to him by some sohrtah demented fuckin’ man-witch. So this man-witch predicts that Olaf would get attacked but suhrvive n’ then convehrt tah Christianity. Now, predictin’ that a hostile fahreign invadah who’s alsah a legitimate heir tah the Nahwegian throne would get attacked in the late 900s is ‘bout as impressive as predictin’ that 128’ll turhn intah a fuckin’ parkin’ lot at rush hour. But appahrently this prediction just completely fuckin’ blows Olaf’s mind so fuckin’ go figyah, yah know?
N’ fuckin’ lo n’ behold! The guy gets fuckin’ attacked, n’ he suhrvives, n’ so then he goes n’ he gets his ass baptized, just tah kindah post-rationalize it all I guess. But he’s alsah kindah been wantin’ tah get baptized all along evah since he met that smooth-talkin’ evangelical Thangbrand. Now, aftah his baptism he goes n’ he mahrries the Queen’ah Ireland since the Nahwegians basic’ly just did whatevah the fuck they wanted to in Ireland evah since they founded Dublin. N’ aftah that the guy prahceeds tah spend some time shacked up with his new Irish queen, gettin’ shit-faced on Jameson n’ Guinness n’ roamin’ ‘round the countryside huntin’ leprechauns ah whatevah the fuck it was that Nahwegians liked tah do in Ireland back in those days.
N’ meanwhile Thangbrand, bein’ the guy with such good mohrals that he is, goes off n’ buys a hot Irish slave gihrl who was on sale in Denmahk, n’ I’m sure you can imagine what he wanted tah do with her. Well, there was alsah this othah guy there who wanted her too, only this othah guy alsah had the backin’ah the Holy fuckin’ Roman Empehrah. So naturhally these two jack-offs get into a fuckin’ fight tah the death n’ Thangbrand wins, but now he’s got all the might’ah the entiyah First fuckin’ Reich on his sohrry ass, wantin’ him dead, n’ so he flees with his new slave ovah tah Ireland since Olaf had made him that stupid promise eahrliah ‘bout helpin’ him out whenevah he might need it.
N’ ah’couhrse Olaf is ovahjoyed tah see Thangbrand since they got such a killah bromance goin’ on n’ so he does the obvious thing that any would-be medieval king would do in the same situation, which was tah ohrdain the miscreant as a full-blown fuckin’ priest. So now these guys bide their time in Ireland a bit longah n’ eventually they sail on up tah Nahway tah conqueah the fuckin’ place, like I was sayin’ befohr. N’ at this point Olaf gives Thangbrand land n’ titles n’ some cold hahd cash but Thangbrand nevah evah fuckin’ leahrns n’ so he continues with his ihrresponsible behaviah, blows all the money that Olaf gave him, n’ then he stahts tah mahraud ‘round Nahway like a fuckin’ dick, basic’ly layin’ the groundwohrk for his own future holy incursion intah Iceland as a sohrtah penitence fahr his transgressions.
But this is all while Thorvald n’ the bishop ahr still tryin’ tah convehrt the country n’ failin’ hahrrably. N’ when those guys finally do come back tah Nahway, Olaf still doesn’t have a fuckin’ clue ‘bout all the goddamn trouble Thangbrand is causin’ out on the west coast so he fihrst decides tah send this new guy Stefnir off tah try n’ convehrt the Icelandahs instead n’ ah’couhrse it all just goes completely tah fuckin’ shit.
Art by Matt Smith