WebMD Overview
WebMD is a common disease in North America that is transmitted through irrational fear. It can cause anywhere between 1 to 9,803,493 symptoms in three or four mouse clicks. All WebMD infections in both adults and children result in the medically coined “symptom orgy,” otherwise best described as “symptoms on top of symptoms on top of symptoms.”

How Do I Know if I Have WebMD?
WebMD is easy to diagnose because:

  • You’ll be 100% convinced you suffer from 100% of the cancers
  • You believe that a tickle in your throat is a clear sign of death
  • Symptoms seem more likely the harder they are to pronounce
  • You just knew it this whole time that you were dying on the inside. You just did.

WebMD symptoms in literate humans:

  • Abnormal but somehow totally rational paranoia
  • Sudden onset of exact pain/symptom you happen to be reading about
  • Subscribing to the WebMD newsletter
  • Realizing you still have so much of the world to see
  • Realizing you have to see the world before you lose your eyesight
  • Watching Bill Murray in What About Bob? and thinking, “wow, what a well-adjusted, rational character”

How is WebMD Diagnosed?
There are a few different tests you can use to diagnose WebMD. The most proven method is to log on to your browser, click the history tab, and if under RECENTLY CLOSED and RECENTLY VISITED are nothing but WebMD pages, except for one that says “How to Write Your Own Will,” you suffer from WebMD. Other signs of severe WebMD include unexpectedly high phone bills from calling friends in a panic; loss of said friends; vast knowledge of euthanasia laws; and a rabid interest in suing the author of the phrase, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

How is WebMD treated?
An apple a day… kidding. You’re doomed.

What Happens If I Don’t Get My WebMD Treated?
You pray to God for the first time ever and promise that you’ll be a better person if he or she lets this one slide, when deep down you know you’re totally lying. But then you realize the odds of him or her knowing that you’re lying are pretty good since it is fucking God after all, and oh my god this is how it ends!

How do I prevent WebMD?
You can’t. Keep scrolling and browsing, and over time, you will literally be sucked in through your screen and thus become part of WebMD.com. After all, that’s exactly what all those images are on its website; they used to be actual people, but they have been turned into testimonial images for each and every one of the entries. So don’t bother fighting it. This is your fate.