In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Learns That Middle-Earth is Just an Eyelash on the Celestial Gallows Pole and That the Real Gandalf was Originally a Filthy Maggot.
Alright, so now yah got this situation where Odin’s got a fuckin’ giant’s cohrpse on his hands n’, yah know, he’s like, “Fuck. What the fuck do I do with this fuckin’ thing? It’s fuckin’ huge n’ I don’t even know where tah dispose’ah it at on accoun’ah the fact that I haven’t even made the fuckin’ wohrld yet.”
‘Cause, yah know, yah gottah remembah that at this point in the stahry, there’s still no fuckin’ eahrth. At this point in the stahry all that there is in the entiyah fuckin’ univehrse is just a fuckin’ fi’ah pit, some ice, a big magical cow, n’ Ymir’s dead fuckin’ body. But Odin, he’s a pretty clevah guy n’ so what he does is he goes n’ he takes Ymir’s cohrpse n’ he fuckin’ rips it apaht n’ then he stahts usin’ the cohrpse’s dismembah’d pahts tah tehrrafohm the entiyah fuckin’ planet.
So fah example yah got Ymir’s flesh becomin’ the ground we walk on, n’ his blood becomin’ the seas n’ the lakes, n’ his bones becomin’ the mountains, n’ his skull becomin’ the sky n’ so on n’ so fohrth. N’ Odin, he’s like a fuckin’ indian in this regahd, yah know. I mean he does not spahr a single fuckin’ paht of Ymir’s dead body; he uses evuhry fuckin’ paht’ah the slaughtah’d animal includin’ the eyelashes which he uses tah construct a big ass fohrtress wall tah keep the frost giants outtah n’ this fohrtress it ends up gettin’ called Middle-Earth fah I don’t fuckin’ know why. But like half the shit I’m tellin’ yah, that’s besides the point anyway.
But anyway now at this point, O’Malley who’s still harrassin’ the bahtendahs is gettin’ all fuckin’ wohrked up ‘cause he’s a big Tolkien fan, yah know, n’ he’s gettin’ all riled up there at the bah n’ he’s lookin’ at the tv like it’s got Lohrd’ah the Rings on n’ he’s shoutin’ shit at it like, “Fuck New Yohrk! Come on, Middle-Earth, let’s go!” n’ he’s clappin’ n’ he’s shoutin’ n’ he’s got his team shihrt on fah mahral suppohrt n’ shit like he thinks it’s the fuckin’ playoffs ah somethin’ but truth’ah the mattah’s he’s stahtin’ tah really grate on those poohr bahtendahs nehrves ‘cause at this point in the ahriginal stahry he’s at only ‘bout question numbah 73 ah so of his insane fuckin’ question n’ answah shitshow n’ so I hope yah fuckin’ appreciate how I’m tryin’ tah, yah know, tah fuckin’ synthesize this shit fah yah ‘cause, I mean, if yah wannah leahrn yah fuckin’ Nahse mythology in some godfahsaken q&a fahmat then stop wastin’ my fuckin’ time n’ close yah computah ah yah smahtphone ah whatevah the fuck it is that yah readin’ this bullshit on n’ go n’ buy yahself a fuckin’ copy’ah Snorri’s fuckin’ book, alright?
Jesus Fuckin’ Christ.
Well I guess I’m glad yah still listenin’, but I’m alsah stahtin’ tah have tah take a fuckin’ piss so I’ll try tah get through the rest’ah this paht’ah the stahry here fah yah wicked fast.
So now Odin’s done with creatin’ Middle-Earth n’ all but thing is, Middle-Earth, it don’t got no fuckin’ people livin’ in it. So what Odin does was he n’ his brothahs they go n’ they catch the fuckin’ blue line outbound ovah tah Wandahland ‘cause they’re a bunchah fuckin’ gamblin’ addicts n’ they want tah bet on the race dogs back befohr track gets closed down n’ aftahwahds they decide tah go fah a walk on the beach n’ so there they ahr walkin’ ‘long when they find some fuckin’ driftwood that the tide had washed up n’ they think tah ‘emselves, “Hey, yah know, these pieces’ah driftwood, they’d make some nice fuckin’ people if we was tah tuhrn ‘em intah people.” N’ so they went n’ they tuhrned the driftwood intah people n’ they put ‘em in Middle-Earth, n’ the people, yah know, they procreated n’ so here we ahr today.
But fah ‘emselves, Odin n’ his brothahs they alsah created Asgard, yah know, the fuckin’ fohrtress’ah the gods ah whatevah which alsah just so happens tah be located pretty much right next tah MIT n’ as I already told yah, it’s where fuckin’ O’Malley’s in the process’ah gettin’ fuckin’ shitfaced n’ askin’ shit-tons’ah questions as we speak. But Asgard, it’s alsah in the sky, which is a real mind-fuck if yah think ‘bout it fah too long.
So now at this point I guess I oughttah tell yah that Odin’s brothahs stop figyah’n’ intah the stahry. Like I keep sayin’, I don’t fuckin’ know why. Maybe he killed ‘em. I don’t know.
But gettin’ back on tah the sun n’ the stahs n’ the moon n’ all that shit, the thing yah gottah realize is, it’s just a bunch a poohr fuckin’ people up there in the sky. Fah whatevah reason, Odin, he’d get intah one’ah his fuckin’ moods n’ he’d take it out on these poohr bastahds by kickin’ ‘em outtah Middle-Earth, n’ puttin’ ‘em up in a chahriot in the fuckin’ sky tah go round n’ round in fuckin’ circles till the end’ah fuckin’ time. N’ tah make mattahs wohrse, these poohr bastahds, they all got these nasty fuckin’ wolves chasin’ aftah ‘em the whole time n’ so when the entiyah fuckin’ univerhse finally gets destroyed at the end’ah time, those fuckin’ wolves ahr gonnah swallah evuhyrthing they can fuckin’ get their mouths on which means that both the sun n’ the moon ahr gonnah disappeahr like a jelly donut in a cop’s cah in the pahkin’ lot at the neahrest Dunkies. But alsah, these wolves, their mom’s a fuckin’ ogress who lives out in Iron Wood which is pry somewhere up neahr Lake Winnipesaukee.
I’m not entiyahly sure what the point’ah knowin’ that is.
But anyway, connectin’ the eahrth tah the sky is the rainbow bridge, which is just a fuckin’ rainbow n’ so the way I figyuh it is, if yah wannah get up tah Asgard, yah got two options: one is yah eithah gottah cross the bridge ovah the Chahles like our fuckin’ friend O’Malley did, ah yah gottah take the fuckin’ faehrie fehrry out tah P-town ‘cause yah know yah gonnah find mohr rainbows out there than yah evah will even in a fuckin’ kindahgahtnah’s colah’in’ book.
So now ‘bout this time Odin’s finally gettin’ tah feelin’ like he’s ‘bout done with his wohrld-creatin’ frenzy but then he realizes there’s a bunch a fuckin’ maggots that ahr livin’ undahneath Ymir’s skin. N’ these things, they’re fuckin’ nasty, like the fuckin’ upholstahry on the goddamned orange line nasty. But, yah know, in one’ah his rare fuckin’ displays’ah affection fah anothah livin’ creat’ah, Odin actually decides not tah muhrdah ‘em ah tohrtuh ‘em intah runnin’ circles in outah space till the end’ah time n’ instead he gives ‘em human intelligence n’ transfohrms ‘em all intah a bunch’ah fuckin’ dwahrves n’ one’ah ‘em, his name is Gandalf, n’ the othahs, they all have names like Dvalin n’ Bombor n’ shit. N’ O’Malley bein’ the Tolkien fan that he is, is shittin’ his pants right ‘bout now.
Now all this shit, evuhrything, Asgard, Middle-Earth, the holes in the ground that Gandalf n’ his buddies live in, evuhrything, it’s all paht’ah this big ass wohrld tree, Yggdrasil, which is old Nahse fah fuckin’ “gallows pole.” So that tells yah somethin’ right there ‘bout the vikings way’ah thinkin’, right. I mean their entiyah fuckin’ wohrld view, their fuckin’ cosmology, is structuh’d ‘round a goddamned device that’s used fah fuckin’ executin’ n’ sacrificin’ people. N’ that’s fuckin’ hahdco’ah if yah ask me.
Anyway though, so this tree Yggdrasil, it’s fuckin’ big n’ it’s got three main roots that help tah hold it up n’ one’ah these roots it goes down intah Niflheim, yah know, the land’ah ice, n’ down there, there’s this mean fuckin’ suhrpent that nibbles on it. N’ outtah the othah two roots, one’ah ‘em goes intah the land’ah the gods, n’ the othah goes intah the land’ah the frost giants.
Now the one that’s in the land’ah the frost giants, it’s got this magical well undahneath it n’ it’s guahrded by some guy named Mimir. The impohrtant thing ‘bout this well is that whoevah drinks outtah it gets a whole shit ton’ah knowledge without even havin’ tah go tah college fah four fuckin’ years ah take out a loan that has no hope in hell’ah evah bein’ fuckin’ paid off. Downside is yah have to poke out yah own fuckin’ eye if yah evah wannah drink from the fuckin’ thing n’ so fah Odin’s been the only guy who’s had balls ‘nough tah fuckin’ do it.
N’ as fah the last root, the one that goes up intah the land’ah the gods, well it’s alsah got a well undahneath it but diff’runce with this well is that it’s where the norns live, which has got mohr tah do with fate ‘en education. So these norns, they just sit ‘round the well all day weavin’ like a fuckin’ factahry floohr’ah spinnin’ machines from Lowell’s own boom days only they’re weavin’ the fuckin’ lives’ah men instead’ah civil wahr unifohrms ah whatevah. N’ yah know, they ain’t fuckin’ faihr ‘bout it eithah n’ that’s on accoun’ah the fact that some’ah the norns ahr good, yah know, the kinds’ah people yah’d like tah go n’ have a beehr with aftah worhk, n’ that some’ah the norns, on the othah hand, ahr some real fuckin’ assholes, n’ so whethah yah end up bein’ a good pehrson with a good life ah a bad pehrson with a bad life is all just dumb luck dependin’ on which norn wove yah fate. So guy like Bobby Orr, he had a wicked good norn weavin’ the stahry’ah his life, but guy like Aaron Hernandez, that guy got dicked ovah by a real fuckin’ cunt’ah a norn duhrin’ conception, which is why he turned out tah be such a fuckin’ losah.
Now this tree Yggdrasil’s got all sohrts’ah pests livin’ in it, like there’s this fuckin’ eagle up in its branches n’ there’s this hawk that’s sittin’ on the eagle’s forehead which has gottah be fuckin’ annoyin’ fah that poohr fuckin’ eagle. But anyway this eagle, he n’ that suhrpent that I already told yah ‘bout that’s down chewin’ on one’ah the trees’ roots, they fuckin’ hate each othah. Yah know, I mean, I’m pretty fuckin’ sure they’d kill each othah if they got half the chance but fah some reason the one’s stuck up in the branches n’ the othah’s stuck down in the roots n’ they’re just too fuckin’ fah apaht tah be able tah fight it out but there’s this goddamned squirrel that gets his daily exahcise by runnin’ up n’ down the tree’s trunk n’ he gets off on tradin’ insults between the two ‘cause, yah know, he’s a fuckin’ squihrrel n’ so he’s real fuckin’ squihrrly like that by natuh. N’ there’s alsah some deehr chewin’ on the tree’s leaves n’ some swans swimmin’ in its wells n’ shit but I think that’s ‘bout ‘nough ‘bout the fuckin’ tree fah now.
So what am I fahgettin’? Oh yeah, okay, so there’s alsah Elf World which is where the fuckin’ light elves live, n’ it’s somewhere close to Asgard I think. N’, the light elves, they tend tah be pretty fuckin’ attractive n’ friendly people n’ they all look like Cate Blanchett n’ Orlando Bloom, but they got these cousins, the dahrk elves, n’ they’re fuckin’ nasty n’ they live below the ground n’ I’m not real sure what the diff’runce between a dwahrf n’ a dahrk elf is n’ I don’ think Tolkien fuckin’ knew eithah.
So now I could tell yah ‘bout where the wind comes from n’ why the wintah always dumps so much snow on us but that shits all pretty fuckin’ fahgettable n’ as I already told yah I need tah take a piss n’ then I think I’m gonnah get anothah beehr anyway so let’s just fuckin’ leave it at that fah now n’ I’ll tell yah some mohr ‘bout Odin n’ his boy Thor when I get back.