In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Learns
about the Tom Brady of the Gods,
a Misguided Fetish for Njord’s Feet,
and Frey’s Permanent Erection.
So that’s the deal with Thor but Odin’s alsah got this othah son Balder n’ he’s like the fuckin’ Tom Brady’ah the gods. Yah know, Thor’s basic’ly out there doin’ the team’s dihrty wohrk, fightin’ off a bunch’ah fuckin’ jehrkoffs from Denvah at the 20 yahd line who ahr tryin’ tah sack his quahtahback while Balder’s back at home drinkin’ wine n’ bangin’ Gisele.
But yah know, I’m just givin’ him a hahd time. Yeah, he’s mohr’ah a pretty boy ’en his big brothah is but he’s still just a genruhlly all-round well-liked guy who don’t cause too much commotion ah nothin’ eithah. I mean even though he hasn’t won a fuckin’ Supahbowl in 10 fuckin’ years don’t mean he’s lost his talent ah that he ain’t evah gonnah play a huge fuckin’ role at the end’ah the worhld when evuhyrone n’ evuhyrthing fuckin’ buhrns tah death, but with the rate that we’re goin’ at here with this fuckin’ stahry I pry won’t be gettin’ ‘round tah tellin’ yah ‘bout that till like the fuckin’ end’ah Mahch ah April ah somethin’, but don’t quote me on that. But befohr then we really gottah finish gettin’ through all these othah gods so we can get ontah all those wicked pissah side stahries like ‘bout how when Thor lost a wrestlin’ match tah an old lady at the giants’ home stadium ah when he ripped the head off a fuckin’ ox outtah pure angah n’ then went fuckin’ fishin’ with it.
Now these othah gods, they ahren’t Odin’s own lit’ral fuckin’ offspring like Thor n’ Balder ahr but they’re still pretty impohrtant n’ yah gonnah fuckin’ hear ’bout ‘em so long as yah continyah tah sit there n’ listen tah me—which by the way I’m fuckin’ grateful fah ‘cause nobody else here at this fuckin’ bah’s payin’ any fuckin’ attention tah me n’ I need somebody here tah tell all this to so it don’t get fahgotten since it’s all ohral, yah know, with the Nahsemen, it was all just an ohral histahry society n’ so we gottah try n’ prahserhve these stahries through tellin’ ‘em out loud ourselves n’ hundreds’ah years from now our descendents ahr gonnah be grateful tah us, ‘cause yah know, it’s gonnah be you n’ me, we’re gonnah be the guys that ahr responsible fah keepin’ these stahries alive even aftah papah books ahr long gone n’ the entiyah fuckin’ publishin’ industry as we know it’s gone digital n’ then some sohrtah fuckin’ cybohrg IQ system like that one right outtah the Tehrminatah movies comes along n’ wipes the whole fuckin’ slate cleanah ‘en a freshly zammed sheet’ah ice.
But that’s a side topic that we can come back tah latah on if yah want, but fah now I’m gonnah tell yah ‘bout this guy Njord who’s a wicked good sailah. I mean he’s so good he’s fuckin’ famous, like all the guys up in Gloustah n’ down in New Bedfahd pray tah his nautical ass when they’re takin’ their boats out tah go catch some fuckin’ fish. He’s alsah fuckin’ loaded which is why he owns a huge beach house out on the Vineyahd that puts the Kennedy’s n’ Kerry’s tah fuckin’ shame. He’s alsah got a wife but they don’t get along so great, yah know what I mean? I mean complete fuckin’ mismatch. I mean the only reason they even got fuckin’ mahrried is ‘cause she liked how his fuckin’ feet looked n’ Odin’d told her she could mahrry any’ah the guy gods she wanted but that she had to pick the guy based solely on the looks’ah all their feet. I shit yah not. Who the fuck does that? I mean on the one hand, this actually appeahs tah be an ancient instance of the woman gettin’ tah choose her own mate which I don’t think happens all that often thousands’ah years ago, but still yah know? N’ well, Njord he just kindah went ‘long with it ‘cause she was fuckin’ hot n’, alsah ‘cause yah don’t cross Odin if yah’re a Nahse god without gettin’ a fuckin’ speahr shoved up yah ass.
So anywah, they live apaht now n’ she lives up in the mountains ‘cause that’s where she’s ahriginally from n’ fah some fuckin’ reason she hated the ocean n’ couldn’t stand the summah traffic, which that’s mohr undahstandable, but Njord, he fuckin’ hates mountains n’ it’s like I was sayin’, he’s already got this huge mansion out there on the watah, so he’s just like, “Why the fuck would I sell my watahfront mansion n’ move all the way up tah bumfuck New Hampshah? She won’t even fuckin’ put out anymohr anyway.” So yeah, they’re sepuhrated n’ their mahrriage isn’t on real good tehrms right now.
But they did have a couple kids befohr they sepuhrated, a boy n’ a gihrl, n’ they both ended up bein’ sex gods. Their names ahr Frey n’ Freyja n’ it’s no fuckin’ coincidence that the day’ah the week that’s named aftah ‘em is alsah the day that’s most populah fah people tah hit up the bahs n’ clubs n’ try tah get fuckin’ laid. N’ while we’re on that topic, in case yah didn’t know it already, Thursday is Thor’s day, n’ Wednesday is Odin’s day but that one goes way the fuck back tah Anglo-Saxon times when he was known as Woden in the ahrginal England. N’ then the last one is Tuesday which is Tyr’s day n’ he’ not as famous as some’ah these othah gods but he’s still a real fuckin’ crazy mothahfuckah. He’s basic’ly a war god n’ real fuckin’ tough. He’s alsah only got one hand n’ I’ll be tellin’ yah all ‘bout that incident next time ‘round ‘cause it’s fuckin’ messed up.
But gettin’ back tah Frey n’ Freyja, well fah stahtahs, he’s got a huge fuckin’ dick n’ he knows it. He doesn’t have tah go paintin’ it all ovah the set’ah his fuckin’ music videah just tah try n’ compensate n’ convince yah othahwise n’ if yah doubt me on that one, then yah can just go on ahead n’ google “FREY STATUE” n’ click on “IMAGES” n’ yah’ll see what I’m fuckin’ talkin’ ‘bout. Stone bonahs all ovah yah fuckin’ screen.
But Freyja, even though she’s alsah a big deal, she wasn’t quite as populah fah makin’ ancient statues outtah, which I guess kindah sucks fah her, but she does get tah help Odin out with the dead guys n’ she’s alsah got her own magical chahriot n’ instead’ah goats like Thor’s, hers is pulled by a couple’ah fuckin’ cats which makes me kindah wondah if she isn’t just some sohrt’ah glahrified cat lady. Perhsonally, I’m not so crazy ‘bout fuckin’ cats, so fah me, the juhry’s still out on Freyja. I mean if I was an old time Nahseman, I don’t think I couldah prayed to some fuckin’ crazy old cat lady. I mean these have gottah be big cats, right, since they’re pullin’ her fuckin’ chahriot ‘round in the sky. So what the fucks that do tah her house? She got giant boxes’ah cat littah allovah the fuckin’ place? That’s fuckin’ nasty. N’ who has tah do the cleanin? Some poohr slave? I bet the plumbin’ can’t even fuckin’ handle flushin’ that shit. The way I see it is, if yah wannah pet, just a get a fuckin’ dog. With a dog at least yah get a loyal companion, unless yah get one’ah those retahded fuckin’ little dogs that don’t know its ass from its face n’ spends its whole time yappin’ on accoun’ah the fact it’s too fuckin’ stupid tah know when tah stop. But anyway.
Okay, so yeah, last thing ‘bout Frey is he’s alsah the god’ah rain n’ shine n’ the fuckin’ hahvest itself, so fahmahs really like this guy, yah know? Alsah so does that duhranged fuckin’ scah’crow that likes tah decahrate gouhrds here on McSweeney’s, ah at least he should if he don’t. That scah’crow owes a real fuckin’ debt’ah gratitude tah Frey n’ if yah don’t know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout then yah should prob’bly just staht ignohin’ me right now n’ look it the fuck up. There’s gottah be a link somewhere at the bottom’ah this page. Don’t wahrry, I’ll wait. Not like anyone else is payin’ any fuckin’ attention tah what I’m sayin’ anyway.
N’ hey, next round’s on me. Game’s stahtin’ soon. Those fuckin’ Blackhawks really need tah lose tahnight if we got any chance’ah makin’ it tah game 7.