Hi there, I’m Dr. Tom Brady: health guru, five-time Super Bowl champion, and all-around good guy who will not confirm nor deny my support of Donald Trump. Today I’m here to transform your life. I’m certain by applying the principles of my TB12 Method, you’ll evolve from an overweight, mediocre, and worthless piece of shit into a 6’5” chiseled Adonis, with a net worth no less than $150 million. It’s the Tom Brady guarantee.

My method and daily routines are easy to follow, so there’s no room for excuses anymore. The TB12 Method eliminates caffeine, sugar, dairy, and anything that brings minimal amounts of joy to your unspectacular daily life. You’ll also be required to work out for 3-4 hours per day, meditate for another hour, and sleep from 9 P.M. to 9 A.M. every night. Be sure to drink your recommended 25 cups of water each day for sun protection as well. Really simple, scientifically proven stuff, guys.

I can already hear the whiners and the losers: “But Tom, I work 12-hour days and have to get my children to their activities in the evenings.”

“Tom, I only make $50,000 a year and a personal trainer would require half of my salary.”

“But Tommy Football, I’m 63 years old and am worried I might not be able to keep up with the recommended exercise of an elite professional athlete.”

Enough is enough, you inadequate personified lard! This lazy attitude is why you’re married to Karen the school teacher and not Gisele the Keeper of Mother Earth. The answers are within you.

If “time” is an issue, simply ask your boss to postpone work until later in the day. Hire a nanny to usher your children to their various events. If you properly apply the TB12 Method you’ll be able to increase your day to 26 hours. There, I just resolved your question in five seconds. I’m Tom Fucking Brady.

If “money” is your concern, I don’t know what to tell you. Make more of it? It doesn’t seem that hard. Try being good at something, it’ll help you increase your earning potential. And if “fear of being injured” is scaring you away from the TB12 Method, remember age is just a social construct. I don’t believe in it. I believe in pseudoscience, which tells me I’ll be able to throw lasers to wide receivers well into my fifties.

A few people have criticized the expensive cost of implementing my TB12 method. I don’t understand this. For a mere six-figures, you can hire a full-time chef, personal trainer, and create a Zen atmosphere in the east-wing of your home. This is reasonable, right? None of my country club friends in Brookline, Massachusetts, have complained about the price of a healthy life. Maybe it’s your negativity that is preventing you from purchasing my $200 Nutrition Manual or my $54 16 oz. protein powder.

In fact, my TB12 Method is so effective at preventing illness and prolonging athletic careers that I’m going to recommend it to Congress as a health bill. It’s my dream that one day you’ll all be required to sign-up for Bradycare.

Some have also compared me to Gwyneth Paltrow and her controversial high-end health website, Goop. I take no issue with being compared to her. Like me, Ms. Paltrow is a down-to-earth scientific expert who understands the plight of the average American. We get that you suck at life; we’re just trying to help.

Remember: You too can be a superior physical specimen. Don’t let excuses like “work” and “money” stop you from following the infallible TB12 Method. Today is the day to stop being worthless. Go Pats!