Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony. We’ve come to celebrate Thomas Brie and Laura Taylor and their pledge to one another. Marriage is a holy estate not to be entered into lightly, but with reverence and care. It presents an unbreakable bond among two people and God, showing an eternal commitment of love and devotion, where God gets to watch you have sex. By getting married, Tom and Laura have agreed to stand by one another in times of joy, and in times of sorrow. There will be hardships; no marriage is without them. But the union you are entering today means you will see each other through those hardships. And God will provide you guidance, too, and watch you have sex. Now if you could please bow your heads for the opening prayer.

Dear Lord, we thank you for bringing together Tom and Laura, so that they found each other and fell in love, and will express that love within the bounds of matrimony, an expression that you will bear witness to tonight, when you will be welcomed into the bedroom to oversee their copulation, floating up on the ceiling, or perhaps up in the sky looking through the roof. Amen. You may be seated.

I feel very fortunate to have been asked to perform this ceremony. When Tom and Laura came to me, they let me know that, like many people, they are not regular churchgoers, but wanted a religious ceremony. I think that’s wonderful, bringing God into your relationship, so that he may watch you have sex with each other for the rest of your lives. I’m not naive; I realize that most couples have engaged in premarital relations. But, by asking that their union be blessed by God, Tom and Laura have let it be known to the Lord that his eyes may behold their pre-coital foreplay, their intercourse and its climax, and their post-coital moments.

Now if we could all stand for the lighting of the unity candle. Lord, let this light be a guiding light for Tom and Laura through any times of strife, and Lord, you can use it too in case Tom and Laura make love in the dark and you are trying to watch them.

At this point of the ceremony, Tom and Laura asked me to read a Bible passage. I’m not going to do that, but will instead talk more of God’s participation in their sex acts. For even if you are not having traditional intercourse, God will still watch. Be it passionate, romantic and sensual, or just a sloppy hand job in a semi-public place: if it’s of a sexual nature, God shall partake in a viewing of it.

Now, if there is anyone here who believes these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace… since no one has objected, the wedding will continue as planned, as will God’s voyeurism of Tom and Laura’s honeymoon this evening.

Tom, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?… Wonderful, and do you, Laura, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?… Lovely. Tom and Laura, you have just forged a bond that will last from now and into old age, a time of life when you will not have much sex, and even when you do, it’s not sex that anyone would really want to watch. Except God. He will still watch.

I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. But tastefully, please; after all, this is a house of the Lord.